Seeking Asylum
by LizzySwan1022
Summary: Takes place during New Moon. When Edward left, Bella went a little crazy, and Charlie had to put her in a mental institution.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey everybody, this is just something that popped into my head. Please bear in mind that I have no knowledge of medicine or psychology and I am basing everything off of what I've seen on TV. I'm not sure how frequently I'll be able to update because I'm getting into prime paper writing season, and this is really just a way for me to de-stress.

"How are you doing today Bella?"

I actually think about my answer to the question. How am I? I am tired, frustrated, lonely, depressed and mildly hungry. None of these are positive things.

"I'm fine."

The doctor shakes his head at me, disappointment evident in his eyes. I cannot bring myself to care. I gave up caring about disappointing people a long time ago. If this doctor thinks I care more about disappointing him than I did about disappointing my parents and friends, then perhaps they should be on the other side of the coffee table with me.

"No Bella, you're not fine. I know you're not fine. Your chart says that you haven't been eating your meals regularly and that you haven't been sleeping well. Tommy says you haven't been taking your medication willingly. Can you tell me why that is Bella?"

He always does his best to put my name into the conversation. I think he thinks it will help us develop some sort of bond. He is wrong.

"The pills make my head foggy. I don't like it."

Dr. Snow looks at me, his eyes full of pity. "But Bella, the pills are what make you better. They are what keep you healthy. Don't you want to be healthy Bella?"

I could tell him that the pills aren't making me healthy, that I'm not an idiot who doesn't know the difference between happiness and the manufactured numbness medication brings. I could tell him that I don't want to be healthy, that I don't want to get better because at least if I'm locked up in here I can't see the hurt on Charlie's face. I could tell Dr. Snow that there's no pill strong enough to make me better, no drug powerful enough to make me forget and ease the pain. But I don't say any of these things.

"Yes Dr. Snow, I want to get better."

The doctor smiles, pleased I have said his name and agreed with him.

"Excellent Bella! I think we've made some progress today. Now before I send you back to your room there's just one more thing I want to talk to you about. The staff and I have all discussed this and we agree that you are a model patient. There is a group of students coming in from the university in the next couple of days to observe and have some one on one time with some of the patients, and we'd like to include you in the group of patients the students will be interviewing. If you agree and do well with this it could speed up your release a great deal. What do you think Bella?"

I resist the urge to laugh. I have participated in these programs five times before, each time with false promises of sped up release. I wish Dr. Snow would just tell me the truth. That I am nothing more than a glorified lab rat for some PhD candidates who want to study the crazy girl. Oh, they jazz it up in their minds, they're studying my "unique case" try to find the cause of my "depression and PTSD" and trying to figure out if I have some new disorder they can name after themselves. But what it all boils down to is a bunch of people around my age who want to study the crazy girl.

"Of course Dr. Snow." I say, "if you think it would be best." I try my best not to choke on the words as they come out of my mouth.

Dr. Snow is once again pleased and she thanks me before paging for Tommy to come and get me. Tommy is my assigned orderly, and I am his only patient. Don't I feel special.

Tommy walks me back through a maze of hallways that I am convinced are designed to confuse me in case I ever try to escape before unlocking the door to my room.

"I'll be back in an hour Bella, then you can have lunch and go to the rec room."

He leaves me alone with my thoughts for which I am grateful. It seems that everyone here always wants to know what I am thinking and feeling. They do not seem to care if I want to tell them or not.

I look around my small room. It is "decorated" entirely in neutral tones, mostly shades of gray, but I do not mind this because it makes things easier. Colors can hold memories so the fewer of them I have to see the better I tend to do. My bed is bolted to the floor and there are safety rails that keep me from falling out at night. I feel like a toddler, but it could be worse. Before it was determined that I was not a danger to myself or others I had restraints.

I also have a chair and a small bedside table with a book on it. I am allowed to go to the center's library once a week and pick out something to read. I think Charlie picked this facility because of its extensive library. I think he was hoping that I would be myself again if I read enough. He was wrong. I don't even know what book I chose last time.

Thoughts of books turn into thoughts of Charlie, which expand into thoughts of Renee. I distinctly remember the day I learned about the center. It was a few months after the event. I was sitting down at the table with Charlie when he told me he'd had enough and that I had two choices I could either see a therapist or move back in with Renee. I told him I had a third option and that I could move out. He asked me where I'd go. I told him the woods, or some abandoned building, but that I was not leaving Forks. He told me if I tried to hide out in the woods he'd just arrest me and they'd have to do a psych eval on me anyway. He said I could go to the therapist with the lights in the squad car on or the lights off, and that it was my choice. I chose to go with the lights off and we got in the car.

Dr. Karp was my first psychologist. She was a kind motherly looking woman who I was fairly sure had about as much of a brain as a cup of pudding. I sat with her for approximately half an hour before she called my father into the room and declared that I was unfit to live at home ay longer and she was recommending me for immediate transfer to a facility that could give me full time care. Charlie pleaded with her, asked if there was anything he could do differently that would allow me to remain at home. Dr. Karp said no.

Later that day I was admitted into the hospital for further observation and to give my dad time to select an appropriate facility that the doctors said could meet my needs. After a few days deliberation Charlie finally landed on Harborview, and center that boasted a few amenities and some somewhat decent doctors. I knew if he could he would have kept me home and hired full time care for me, but he was a public servant and the budget just didn't call for that.

I knew he called Renee, asking her to come and see me before I had to go into the center full time. She didn't come. I also knew that he'd asked her to come and visit me with him on various occasions. I'd gotten some lovely letters detailing how she was wishing me all the best but that she had her own issues to deal with and that she just couldn't handle mine right now.

Charlie came to visit me once every two weeks. It used to be more often, but in the last year or so, he'd started dating someone back in Forks, and I'd assured him that he did enough for me and that he deserved his happiness as much as possible. Sometimes he brought Sue up to visit me with him. I liked her. She made me muffins.

I was drawn out of my thoughts by a knock on the door, I didn't bother answering, I knew that Tommy would come in either way.

"Let's Bella, time to get you some food," he held out a little cup, "here, take these before you eat."

I took the cup and glass of water he offered. I stared at the pills for a moment before swallowing them down. Well, so much for coherency.


	2. Chapter 2

As I sit at the table in the dining room I look at the other patients who surround me, savoring the last moments of lucidity I have before the drugs take over. I notice the looks on many of their faces, some look hopeless, but most look numb and high out of their minds. I stare into bloodshot droopy eyes that stare at the wall.

There are six other patients sitting at the round table with me. I think last week there were five. I try to figure out who is new, but I stop caring long before I figure it out. We are all wearing light blue scrubs. There is a bizarre color coding system here at the system, that I have a vague understanding of. We wear blue because we are all depressed but not suicidal or homicidal. As far as I can tell those patients aren't actually allowed in common areas. I think it's a little sick that the depression patients are all in blue.

I look down at my plate to see what sort of stellar cuisine we're being served today. I'm not actually sure what it is, but it's beige so I figure that it's probably safe to eat. After my meal Tommy comes back to take me to the rec room.

"Tommy, can I go to the garden instead?"

He looks surprised by my question. Normally I just go where I'm told without questions and sit there until someone tells me to move. He recovers from the shock of my request for deviation and nods his head smiling.

He leads me out to a walled in courtyard that has the sun shining into it. There are some non threatening looking plants and a large tree. A few other patients sit on benches or walk with their orderlies. I move to an unoccupied bench.

I don't know how long I sit there, quietly thinking about nothing, just enjoying the strange fog my medication always brings with it. It's strange, I remember being against the fog when I wasn't under its power, but now that I am back under it, I'm thankful for the synthetic numbness it brings.

As I'm sitting, absorbed in my banal thoughts, I feel someone tap on my shoulder. I look up to see a young girl, she doesn't look to be more than fourteen standing above me.

"Yes?"

She doesn't say anything, she merely cocks her head at me and studies me for a moment. Then she holds out a flower with the roots still attached and clumps of dirt falling off of it out to me. I look at her for a moment before taking the gift.

"Thank you." I say. She just smiles at me and skips off to her orderly who takes her hand before leading her back inside. She wears yellow scrubs.

"Tommy?" he is immediately standing next to me. I swear sometimes I think that he might be a vampire with the way he moves. Of course I can't think about it for too long because it will cause the nightmares to get worse. I learned that one the hard way.

"Yes Bella?"

"Who was that girl?"

Tommy shakes his head, "That's Trina, she's been here a while."

"What do her yellow scrubs mean?"

Tommy shakes his head again. "I can't tell you that Bella, it's against policy."

For some reason this annoys me, "Who am I going to tell Tommy? Who is it going to hurt if I know what she's doing here?"

"It's not about who you tell Bella, although I'm sure it has the potential to break about 13 HIPPA codes to tell you that anyway. It's that you might look at the other patients differently if you knew what they were being treated for. I mean what if I told you Trini was here because she'd drowned her little sister or something?"

I think about this for a moment, what if Trini was here for something like that? Would it really matter to me? I was here because my boyfriend had dumped me. Really, wasn't that almost sadder than being here for attempted homicide? I'm sure in Trini's mind, if she had drowned her sister, she was doing it for a good reason. Or maybe it was an accident maybe she wanted to give her sister a bath. In my case I'd gotten dumped by a supernatural creature, whose love for me never made any logical sense, and I'd followed that same man after he left me despite the fact that I knew he was probably halfway to Oregon by the time I'd made my first step. I'd deluded myself into thinking he could actually love me.

Clearly I am crazier than Trini.

I am the craziest of them all.

I resolve to pay more attention to the yellow scrubs.

I tell Tommy to take me back to my room for the night. I refuse to eat dinner.

The rest of the week passes in a blur. Literally. They have changed my medication again, and the new drugs put me even deeper into a fog than the old ones.

I lay in my bed trying to trace the lines in the ceiling, making patterns out of the cracks.

There is a knock on the door and Tommy comes in without waiting for a response.

"Hey Bella, how are we doing this morning?"

I'm really getting sick of people asking how I'm doing. "I'm fine."

"Good, well, we're gonna give you a break from the meds today, doctor's orders. She wants you to be sharp for your sessions with the students later. So let's get you to your physical therapy session so you have plenty of time to get ready later."

I do not know why I need time to get ready. I can wear blue scrubs or blue scrubs. I don't have any choices to make.

Tommy walks me down to the center's basement for my "physical therapy" . It's really just gym class all over again, but for some reason they like to call it physical therapy. I'm fairly certain it's just some sort of torture treatment, although I will say that since I've been here my balance has greatly improved. Of course that could be because I spend most of my day sitting or lying down.

Kim, the center's female trainer puts me to work straight off. I begin using a balance ball and weights. Then I run on a treadmill. This is where I tune out, enjoying the last vestiges of the drugs that remain in my system.

The next thing I hear is Kim congratulating me on a good work out. I return to my room to wait for the students to arrive.

I am seated in a small room with a table and two chairs. I am alone waiting for the first gawker to come and make an attempt to "fix" me. I remember the first time I was asked to participate in these sessions I actually had hope, that maybe someone closer to my own age would see me and recognize that I wasn't crazy, just heartbroken, but I was so wrong. One of the things I've learned while I've been here is that people will look at you and see what they want to see. They don't care about the truth they care about what they can get out of you.

The first student comes in.

"Hey there Bella! I'm Fred, how are you doing today?"

Great, this one clearly wants to be my friend. "Well, gee Fred, I'm just swell how are you?"

He looks surprised by my sunny greeting. Apparently because I am crazy I am incapable of sarcasm.

He responds that he is doing well, and then dives right into the inquisition. There are four more just like Fred who come in after him, and they all have the same questions.

"Why are you here?"

Well I don't know genius, how about you check that chart in front of your face. "I have depression and PTSD."

"What do you think caused these disorders?"

My boyfriens, who happened to be a vampire, decided he didn't love me, then left my ass to die in the woods when I tried to follow him. Of course this was after the sociopathic human drinking vampire thought I'd make a good snack and decided to torture me.

"I had a bad break up."

The questions continue like this for half an hour for each student who comes in. They test my cognitive function and emotional reactions to various stories and stimuli. The last boy who comes in seems nervous, like I'm going to hurt him or something. I feel bad for him, I almost offer to just fill out the questionnaire he has for me by memory.

Tommy comes back into the room after the boy leaves. "Hey Bella, there's one more girl," he seems annoyed. "She wasn't originally going to be able to come, but she showed up at the last minute. Do you mind if I bring you some dinner while she talks to you."

Yes.

"No."

Tommy smiles and leaves before returning with a plate of tan goo, that I'm sure is very high in nutrients and very low on taste. A few seconds later, a woman enters the room, and for the first time I'm glad they give me this nasty choke proof food, because I know this woman.

This is Rosalie Hale.


	3. Chapter 3

I blink.

She's still standing in the door.

I blink again. She's still there.

She stares at me for a moment, and I see what I can only assume is shock in her eyes, but she recovers and shuts the door before moving to sit in the chair across from me. She states at me for another couple of minutes before opening her mouth.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Nice, she's still the same lovely girl.

"Well, if you were to look at that chart on the table, you'd see that I'm severely depressed, and a PTSD patient. Of course that would mean you would have to have something to do with me, so I completely understand if you don't want to mess up your manicure on my account."

I am not the same lovely girl.

Rosalie looks taken aback by my sarcasm, "I don't recall you being this forward."

"Going crazy does funny things to a girl, I seem to be past the point of giving a shit about what people think of my forwardness."

I am not entirely sure where my animosity is coming from. Rosalie is right, I have never been this forward. I blame my reaction on shock, and a mild amount of fear as to what her presence means.

She takes my chart off the table and her eyes flick over it, but I know she's read every word. I wonder how she's going to play this. Maybe she'll just silently stare at me for the next ten minutes before disappearing out of my life for a second time. A large part of me would prefer that to any other course of action.

"Your chart says you have near constant nightmares when you're not medicated, what are they about?"

I wince, she had to go right for the jugular. Not surprising really if you think about it.

"What do you think they're about Rosalie? I'll give you a hint they're not about showing up to class in my underwear."

I really don't know where this sarcastic streak is coming from. I haven't been anything but agreeable since I entered the center.

She glares at me, as if to condemn me for having the audacity to be a wiseass with her.

I decide that she can either deal with it, or get the hell out.

She asks me the cookie cutter list of questions that the other students asked me. I answer sarcastically as often as I can, getting some sort of sick pleasure out of making her like just a little bit harder.

She wraps up the questions and seems to consider something for a moment before she speaks again.

"I need more time to talk to you, without, prying eyes and ears around… I think you just became my thesis."

She gets up and walks out before I can say anything. A few seconds later Tommy walks in to take me back to my room. I haven't touched my dinner.

I wake up and look at the clock on the wall. I have fifteen minutes before Tommy will come in with breakfast, pills, and fresh scrubs. Most mornings I just lie in bed staring at the ceiling waiting for Tommy to come. Today I decide to use the time to form a plan for how to deal with the Rosalie situation.

I realize that I think so much clearer when I'm not on the drugs they give me, I remember why I ate the fog so much. They have made a mistake by taking me off of them for the interviews. For the last week they've been giving me the new pills while I'm still somewhat doped up from the earlier batch. I've been a good little patient and it has made them relax around me, they think that they don't have to watch me as closely as they once did.

They are wrong.

I know that if I'm going to deal with the Rosalie situation I'm going to need a clear head. I know that I cannot have a clear head if I take the drugs. Therefore, I cannot take the drugs.

It's simple logic really.

Tommy comes in and I pretend to still be asleep. He lightly shakes my shoulder and I act like I'm slowly waking up.

"Hey there sleepy head, did all of your visitors yesterday wear you out or something?"

Yes… my visitors. I nod my head and ask that he leave me alone to change, I claim need a few minutes before I eat and he agrees.

He sets down the runny eggs, child safety glass of juice and pills before exiting the room. I quickly change and put the pills in the sleeve of the long sleeved shirt I wear underneath the scrubs. Then I move the disgusting eggs around on the plate to make it look like I've eaten some and I drink half of the juice.

A nameless female orderly comes in to take me to the bathroom to freshen up. I flush the pills down the toilet before I take a quick shower. The orderly takes me back to my room. I stare at the wall until Tommy comes in to take me to my session with Dr. Snow.

As I walk down the white hallway I try to think of how I'll convince Dr. Snow I'm still on my meds. It is easy to fool Tommy because I never talk much around him, my behavior patterns stay regular regardless of what drugs I'm on. But Dr. Snow knows better, he will look for medical proof I'm taking the pills if he has any reason to suspect I've been untruthful about my medication. I can't fake pupil dilation or my heart rate. I can however fake docility.

I enter Dr. Snow's office and immediately sit in my usual chair across from him.

"Good morning Bella. How did you enjoy having visitors yesterday?"

I resist the urge to laugh at his characterization of the gawkers. Instead I smile sweetly, and speak in a soft voice.

"It was very nice to see some new faces Dr. Snow."

The doctor smiles and nods at me.

"Well Bella, it seems that you made quite the impression on one of the students. A Miss Hale has requested that she be allowed to do her dissertation on you. Is that something you'd be interested in Bella?"

I smile and nod, drugged Bella likes to please people, she likes to do whatever is easiest. "Yes Dr. Snow, I would like that."

"Excellent," he makes a not on my chart, "well, let me just tell you a little bit about what this would entail. Miss Hale has requested that you be allowed to stay in her family home for a period of three weeks. Her father is a prominent doctor, and he would be responsible for you medically during this time. You will still be coming to your sessions with me, but they will take place once a week instead of every other day, and we will have longer sessions."

I try not to freeze up at the thought of entering the Cullen house. As far as Dr. Snow knows, I have no idea who the Cullens are. I come up with a reasonable sounding excuse.

"What does my father have to say about this?"

Dr. Snow smiles indulgently, "Bella, can you tell me, when was the last time your father visited you?"

I try to remember, but I can't recall.

"I don't know."

"Bella, for the last few months your father hasn't come to see you at all. He has turned you fully over into the care of this facility. He has very little to say on this matter."

I stare blankly at the doctor attempting to think back to my father's last visit. I remember us fighting quietly in my room. I remember him telling me that he can't come visit me as much anymore, he tells me that he wants to, but Dr. Snow thinks that it would be best for my treatment if he wasn't around for a while. He's crying quietly, but I don't care, I don't care about anything, I am in the fog.

"Why did you make him go?" I whisper.

"It's for your own good Bella, you need to be free of reminders of your past for a little while. You need to let your memories go."

I laugh quietly. He wants me to be free of my past, well, he's really going the opposite way on that one isn't he? I laugh louder.

"Care to clue me in on the joke Bella."

I shake my head and try to get my laughter under control, but I fail.

Dr. Snow gets up and holds my face in my hands, shining a bright light in my eyes. He frowns.

"You haven't taken your pills Bella."

I don't bother denying it. There would be no point. Dr. Snow calls Tommy into the room. He holds me down while Dr. Snow prepares a needle with a sedative. He injects me with it, and the fog returns before the world goes black.

**A/N:** **So, what do you think? Drop me a review if you have any questions, and a big thanks to those of you who have reviewed and favorited this story so far.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, I've just recently realized that the borders I've been putting into the story in order to signify the passing of time haven't been coming out, so sorry about that if anything seemed a little disjointed. I'm loving the reviews, it's great to hear that people are enjoying this!**

As I drift off into my drug induced slumber I dream. This surprises me, usually when I am medicated I see only the blackness of the back of my eyelids while I sleep.

I dream that I am back in Forks, in my room, with my photos on the wall and the purple comforter Charlie so painstakingly chose for me. I get off my bed and go to look at the pictures that neatly line the wall by my dresser, and as I look at the pictures they begin to move, like I'm in some sort of Harry Potter alternate universe.

The first picture is of my first day of kindergarten, I have a horrendous bow on the top of my head, it's hot pink, and I'm sure my mother thought it was the height of five year old fashion. The much younger me waves at me, and then she turns around and gestures for someone to come over into the frame. A young boy with messy bronze hair runs up next to Little Bella, and he holds her hand. Then he kisses her on the cheek and she blushes scarlet.

The next picture shows a gawky pre-teen me getting ready to go to my first, and only, middle school dance. I'm wearing an ill fitting dress that Renee insisted I get, despite not being able to properly fill it out, and bright blue eye shadow. I stand nervously with a group of other middle school girls and all of their dates, I'm the only one who is alone. But here comes the same boy from earlier, he's grown a little bit too. He dashes up to younger me and wraps his arms around her waist before leaning down and whispering what I'm sure in an apology for being late in her ear.

The third picture I recognize, although I don't know who could have taken it. I'm standing with five other teenagers, although they're all inhumanly beautiful. Of course that makes sense with them not actually being human and all. Four of them start to swirl in circles dancing around me and… the boy, who is now all grown up. He grabs me by the hand and stars spinning me around just as graceful as the rest of them. I laugh.

There is one more picture on the wall. It is different than the others, it's black and white. I'm barely eighteen, standing against a wooded background. I start moving my head back and forth, as if looking for something, but I can't seem to find it, I start to run and look around, but I cannot find that which I seek. Suddenly I realize exactly what I'm looking for, or rather, who I'm looking for. I stop and sink to my knees before curling up in a ball and crying.

Suddenly there is a knock on my bedroom door, and I go to answer it. It is Charlie.

"Hey kid, you about ready? It's time to go." He says. I do not remember having to be anywhere, but I look down and see that I am wearing a black dress and shoes, so I nod and leave the room with him.

Suddenly I'm standing back in _his_ meadow, but there are so many people there. I recognize many of them from my time at Forks High. They are gathered around in a circle. Charlie pushes me towards the group, and continues to push me until I see that they are all surrounding a grave.

Charlie stands next to me and says, "Well Bells, what are you waiting for? Get on in there." Then he pushes me into the open grave. I turn over and look up.

At the mouth of my grave is Edward, it seems in my final moments I am able to think his name without pain. He is holding a shovel, and he starts to fill in the hole with me still inside.

I wake up screaming.

Tommy comes running into the room.

"Whoa there Bella, are you okay?"

I want to scream at him, to make it plain that I am not okay at all. I don't think I'll ever actually be okay again. But I don't do this. Instead I nod my head and mumble something about having a nightmare.

Tommy shakes his head, "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, the sedative Dr. Snow gave you probably wore off quite some time ago, you've been out for three days Bella."

This information startles me. I didn't realize I'd been out of it for so long.

"I was actually on my way over here to see if I could get you up and give you these when I heard you start screaming."

Tommy holds up a pair of grey sweats and a plain dark blue long sleeve t-shirt.

"Why are you giving me those?" I ask.

"Because you're going to go stay with Rosalie and her family for a while in a couple of hours, don't you remember?"

I slowly nod my head. How could I forget? Tommy leaves me to get changed, which I do quickly. He doesn't leave me my pills this time, I'm sure I'll have to take them with someone watching from now on. I'm sure he got in trouble for my little stunt, I feel badly about that.

Tommy comes back in with a small cup of pills, they look different from normal and I ask him what they are. He tells me that I have been put on a new pill regiment by Rosalie, starting today. I take the pills and am surprised when they start to melting instantly on my tongue. They're nothing more than sugar. Tommy seems to be watching me for some type of reaction, and I realize that he doesn't know that they're sugar pills, so I start to relax a bit. He tells me to relax, and that he'll be back as soon as Rosalie shows up to get me.

I almost laugh at his instructions. Yes, I'll just chill here and wait for my vampire ex-boyfriend's sister, who just happens to hate my guts. No problem Tommy, no problem.

What feels like a couple of hours later Tommy comes back into the room.

"Rosalie is here I take it?" I ask.

He smiles, "Not exactly, her brother came to get you."

My heart instantly freezes. Her brother? Which brother?

My mind starts going a mile a minute trying to convince myself that there is no way that it could be him. But logic rules supreme in my brain right now, and I cannot see how it could be anyone else. Carlisle is posing as her father as usual. I know they wouldn't introduce Emmett as Rosalie's brother, ever, because it would look really creepy if they started to make out and people thought they were related. I couldn't see it being Jasper, because he doesn't do well around humans, and with his gift I wouldn't think he'd do very well at all around the crazy ones. That only leaves one male family member who it could possibly be.

I resist the urge to try and make a mad dash for the exit, I know that resistance is futile.

I square my shoulder and follow Tommy, mentally preparing to see the man who broke my heart.


	5. Chapter 5

I take a deep breath and make a last attempt to steady myself for what I know is coming. I turn to Tommy and tell him I'm ready, he has an odd expression on his face, but I don't ask what it's about. We walk down the hall towards the reception area. I have only been allowed in this hall one other time, and I was walking in the opposite direction then.

We round the corner and my eyes start scanning for the flash of bronze hair I'm expecting, but I do not see it. I look over the room two more times before realizing that he isn't here, I turn to Tommy curious as to who has arrived to take me to my destination. As I begin to turn I see a startlingly pale figure sitting patiently in a chair and reading a magazine.

Tommy takes my hand and walks me over to the familiar face.

"Bella, this is Jasper Hale, Rosalie's twin brother, he's going to be taking you to their house now okay?"

Tommy stares at me, clearly expecting some kind of response, but I am in a state of shock. "Bella?" he questions, shaking my shoulder lightly.

I snap out of it, "Ok Tommy."

Tommy smiles at me and turns to Jasper, "We gave her some meds a little while ago, they should kick in pretty soon, and then she'll be relatively sedate for most of the day. It would surprise me if to managed to get more than one or two words out of her once those kick in, although, if I'm being perfectly honest, it would surprise me if you got more than a couple of sentences out of her at all. How long is the drive back to your place?"

"We live about forty-five minutes away give or take, it's a fairly short ride."

Why do I feel like it is going to be shorter than forty five minutes?

Jasper and Tommy continue to talk about me as if I'm not here for the next five minutes or so. Jasper's eyes keep flashing to my face, a strange expression on his face. It is almost as if he is trying to solve some sort of great puzzle and I am the missing piece, but he can't yet figure out how to make me fit with the rest of the picture.

"Well, I think that just about covers it," he turns to me, "you be good okay? I don't want to have to come down there and bring you back before Rosalie is done with you." He moves as if he's going to hug me, but I take a step away from him. There is a short flash of disappointment in his eyes, but I do not understand it. Tommy knows better than anyone the issues I have with physical contact of any kind, especially from the males of the species.

"Alright then. Come on darlin'." Jasper seems to sense the fact that contact makes me nervous and he motions for me to follow him outside. He leads me to a black sedan, I'm sure it cost more than most people's entire college tuition, but I don't say anything about it. In fact I sit in silence until a brief, yet important, thought crosses my mind.

"Jasper?"

He turns to me a bit surprised by my sudden desire to speak to him, "yes Bella?"

"Um, this is a little awkward, but I did the people at the center happen to give you any clothing or anything for me?" I hate myself because I feel like I'm asking for things, something I swore I wouldn't ever do.

Jasper begins to chuckle under his breath, "Bella, do you really think that my wife would allow you to wear anything they packed for you at the center? Shoot, it wouldn't surprise me if she was waiting for you in the entry way with a couture dress and four inch stilettos."

This puzzles me. Not the part about Alice having ridiculous heels and a ball gown for me, that at least sounded like the Alice I remembered, but the fact that she would be waiting at the door for me. Why would she wait for me? She left.

"Now that feels like the Bella I remember." Jasper says out of nowhere. I look at him curiously. "I could feel your self doubt a mile away darlin' and I never thought I'd say this, but it's a relief. I haven't felt a single thing coming from you since I picked you up. You want to tell me what that's all about?"

"Not particularly."

Jasper is silent for the remainder of the drive.

_**SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA**_

A little while later we pull up in front of a huge light blue house. It is isolated and unsurprisingly it's bordered by some woods out back. Jasper flashes around the car before I register we've stopped and opens my door. I step out onto the driveway and turn to follow Jasper up the steps to the house, but before I can even take a step a black and white blur comes speeding towards me and grabs me around the middle.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," my former best friend cries repeatedly, "I'm so happy you're here."

I cannot fully register her words as I have started to freeze up. My knees lock and my breathing becomes labored. My mind starts to take strange turns, and I can feel my pulse elevate. This is not how I wanted to re-enter the Cullen's lives, although I suppose if I'm being entirely truthful I didn't really want to re-enter them at all.

"Ease up there sweetheart, you're giving the poor girl a panic attack."

Instantly Alice let's go of me and I start to feel relaxed, it's almost like someone slipped me a pill, but I think I would have noticed that. Then I look up at Jasper and see him focusing on me intently, a slight soothing smile on his face, and I realize that in this situation my sedative is Jasper. I shoot him a grateful smile.

Alice looks at me shocked, "Oh Bella, what did we do to you?" I hear her whisper.

"You didn't do anything Alice," I say, I leave out the second half of my statement, _you didn't do anything I didn't expect you to Alice_. I do not want to punish her for choosing her family over our friendship, that's the way it always should have been.

Tentatively she holds out a marble-like hand to me. I take a deep breath and lay my palm in hers. I am rewarded with a thousand watt smile, which I return with a somewhat lackluster version of my own.

"Come on," she says, "Esme and I have put a wonderful room together for you, I can't wait for you to see it." She pulls me up the steps and into the entryway, where Carlisle and Esme are waiting for me. I force myself to push away the imagery in my brain that reminds me of an all too similar meeting years ago.

"Bella," Esme whispers just barely loudly enough for me to hear her, "sweetheart." I just barely stop myself from flinching at the endearment. She slowly walks towards me as if I am a small animal she doesn't want to frighten away. Actually she's not that far off, I am after all, her traditional prey.

I stand absolutely statue still as Esme reaches out to touch my cheek, determined to keep my panic in check, but the next thing I know I am crying, long deep sobs that wrack my fragile body and leave me shaking and empty. It is less than a second before I feel Esme's arms around me pulling me close.

I am no longer aware of my surroundings, I am simply drifting in the safe space in my mind, where I am warm and loved and whole.

**A/N: Okay, so this seems like a semi-awkward place to stop, but I wanted to get this up sooner rather than later because I have no idea when I'll be able to post again. I've had some requests to make these chapters longer, and some to make the updates faster, unfortunately I cannot do both of these things, I can only do one. Along the same vein, I probably won't be able to update that much in the next couple of weeks because of papers and finals, then I'll have a week of sitting on my butt at home, so hopefully I'll be able to get a few good updates in, and the week after that, there will be absolutely no updates because I will be in Italy, perhaps making a small trip to Volterra along the way. Thanks for reading, and as always drop me a review if you have something to say.**


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as I wake up I realize that something is not right. For one thing I'm not dressed in my somewhat itchy standard, one size fits most, center pajamas. But perhaps more startling is the fact that as I turn over I am not met with the cool metal fence meant to keep me from falling out of my bed, but rather more bed, which is much too soft. These clothes are far too comfortable, this bed is too soft, I'm starting to sound like Goldilocks. I laugh quietly to myself at this thought.

There is a soft knock on the door, and Alice walks in as the events of the last few days rush back to me.

"Well, hey there sleeping beauty I see you finally woke up." Well, at least I'm not the only one making allusions to fairy tales this morning. I manage a small smile at Alice. I notice she is carrying a small tray with something that smells delicious on it.

"Can I assume that's for me?" I ask quietly. She giggles and sets the tray down on a small table in the corner of the room. As I stand up and make my way over to the delicious smelling food I pause for a moment to take stock of my surroundings.

I am in a fairly large bedroom done up in soothing shades of grey, lavender, and sage green. Everything about the space is modern, yet somehow classic. There is a wooden desk that looks antique, but on it there are several modern conveniences like a laptop and what I suspect is the newest version of the iPod. On the wall across from the massive bed there is an entertainment center which houses a selection of DVDs and a giant television. In one corner of the room there is what appears to be a miniature library and big comfy chair with a lavender cashmere throw on the back. The table that Alice is sitting at has two wooden chairs, next to it is a mini-fridge and small cabinet unit which I can only assume is filled with snacks.

Alice must have noticed my wandering eyes, because she suddenly seems very nervous, "Do you like it?"

"It's lovely Alice, thank you."

Her face breaks out into a wide grin and she jumps up and down a bit, "I'm so glad! Esme and I were worried you wouldn't like it."

"Why didn't you just look into the future and see whether or not I'd like it?"

She crinkles her forehead, seemingly lost in thought. "Well, I haven't been able to see anything having to do with you, for a couple of years now?"

Now I am the one who is confused, "Wait, years? What are you talking about Alice, how long have I been in the institution?"

She seems nervous about her answer, "I don't know for sure, but we left Forks almost four years ago Bella."

I am momentarily stunned. I know that Charlie put me in the institution the winter after the Cullens left me, but I didn't realize how long I'd been in there since then, in fact I thought I'd been in there a few months, a year at most. My mind starts to race as I think about what this means for me. I'm 21, not eighteen, I am no longer a teenager. I take a moment to mourn the passing of my adolescence, since it seems it never really got a proper goodbye. I strain through hazy drug tinged memories in search of some proof to support what Alice has told me. I come up with a vague memory of Charlie coming into my room with a wrapped present, and then the fog takes over, as if I had been immediately sedated. My apparent gross incompetence at measuring the passage of time has me questioning my life further. How often did Charlie _really_ come to visit me? How many times week did I have sessions with my doctors?

There is a knock on the door, and Jasper enters without waiting for a response.

"Is everything okay in here? I could feel your panic a mile away Bella?"

I bite back my sarcastic comment, "I'm fine Jasper, Alice just informed me that I've been away from home much longer than I originally thought."

He nods in understanding, "Alright then, I actually have an ulterior motive for coming up here. Rosalie wanted me to tell you that she wants you to go to meet her in my study in half an hour for your first session."

He leaves without waiting for a response from me.

It's strange, but for a brief moment there with Alice, I am been able to forget that I m in the Cullen home for a specific purpose, as a science experiment. With Alice's excitement about the room, I'd slipped back into the mindset that we were friends. That she actually cared for me. Jasper's reminder of the upcoming session brought everything back into perspective for me, and I can feel myself pulling away from Alice.

There was no more conversation as I finished eating and got dressed, the closet had been stocked with all different types of clothing, and truth be told, after so much time in scrubs, I actually sort of wanted to dress like a girl for a little while, but instead I grabbed a t-shirt and jeans. As I leave the closet I expect Alice to comment on my wardrobe choice, but she doesn't say anything. Instead she brightly suggests that she give me a tour on the way down to Jasper's study.

She points out all the rooms for the family, but she never once mentions her brother, who I have yet to see. I wonder if he has left the house due to my presence, or if he is simply out enjoying his distractions for a while, but I do not ask Alice these questions.

She leaves me at the door to Jasper's study and flits away.

I stare at the heavy wooden door, willing myself to go in. Just as I am about to lift my hand and turn the knob, the door opens and Rosalie appears.

"It's not going to open in its own you know. And I know that you have some sort of freaky mind thing, where Edward can't get into your brain, but if my memory serves me well, you never displayed any signs of telekinesis in the past, so there is no reason to think you can will the door open with your mind now."

I flinch at the mention of the absent Cullen, but somehow Rosalie's snarkiness numbs the pain, and I feel my annoyance taking the place of any self pity I may feel.

I follow Rosalie into the room and she nods towards a leather chair, "Sit," she says.

I sit and await the questions that I know are coming. Rosalie sits in a chair opposite me, and just stares at me for a moment.

After what seems like an eternity, she speaks.

"My family will not be present in the house during our sessions together, with the possible exception of Jasper if I ask him to be around, but I will always tell you when someone else is here. Anything you say to me in this room remains between the two of us. I'm not going to drug you up while you stay here, I'm not going to coddle you, and I am going to figure out what's going on in that brain of yours, and do my best to help you. It is my goal that at the end of your time here you will not have to go back to that god awful institution, but rather that you will be able to stay with my family, or be on your own. Any questions?"

About a thousand, but I start with the most pressing ones.

"Why are you doing this?"

She sighs, "Bella, I realize that back in Forks, I was not always the kindest person to you, I know you thought I hated you, but I never hated you, just your choices. I won't go into all of that now, but suffice it to say that I thought your relationship with my brother was foolish to say the least. When I walked into that room and saw you sitting across from me at that table, I was beyond surprised to see how you had ended up. And then I read your file, and it said that you refused to answer questions about your previous relationship, that you would talk sometimes bout the people who were in your life, but whenever anyone asked you a specific question about your breakup or the times you had spent with my brother or my family you clamed right up. "

She pauses for a moment, and looks me straight in the eye. I cannot break her gaze.

"And the only reason I can think of that you didn't say anything about my family, was that you were still trying to protect us, even though we'd essentially thrown you out like last week's garbage. Am I right?"

I nodded slowly, but felt the need to add something else in addition to her statement, "I was also acutely aware of the fact that if I claimed to be in a relationship with a vampire, things weren't going to get any better for me."

Rosalie nods at my statement. "Fair point, in any case, I realized that they were treating you for issues you didn't have, at least not the way they think you do. The drugs they were giving you can help with certain types of trauma, not the kind of problems you've had. It seems… unfair that you would be institutionalized because you cannot honestly say what is wrong with you, so I decided that you were coming home with me, to a place where you can say whatever you want because we all know that Edward was not just some normal boy."

After her explanation Rosalie jumps right into doctor mode, and I have to admit I'm impressed. She does very well with finding where my limits are and pushing straight past them. She asks me about my life at the center, and I tell her about Tommy and the doctors, and the other patients. She asks about the drugs, and I tell her about how much I hate the fog they put me in. She asks about my nightmares, and I am unable to answer.

"Bella, we're not going to get anywhere if you don't open up to me about them. "

"It's not that simple," I say through gritted teeth.

"I think it's exactly that simple," she replies, "Just tell me how they start."

"They all start differently," I reply, "Sometimes I'm in the woods, sometimes the ballet studio, sometimes my bedroom at home, there is no normalcy, there is no pattern. Hell, they don't even all have to do with the same subject. All I know is that every night I close my eyes and I have horrible nightmares that I can't wake up from."

She thinks silently for a moment, "I'll make you a deal, tell me about one nightmare, and we'll be done for today alright? Just one little dream, and you can stop spilling your guts until tomorrow."

I consider this offer for a moment, knowing that she will hound me until I give something up.

"Fine," I hiss, "One of the more common themes is the ballet studio. I start outside the studio and I walk through the front door. I know that there is something there waiting for me, and I know it's bad, only, in the dream I don't know what it is. When I get into the studio, it is empty except for a video camera on a tripod. I rewind the tape and watch the playback. It's different every time, but it usually boils down to James kicking my ass all over the room, but before I see the end of the tape, James shows up and starts acting it out. And the whole time he's throwing me around like a rag doll, he keeps telling me that I am alone, and that no one is coming to help me, and I scream and cry, but don't sy anything, because even in my dreams, I know that he's right."

I look into Rosalie's eyes, and she is speechless.

"Are you happy now?" I question.

"Not even remotely," she answers.

"Yeah, me either," I say, then I get up and leave the room.

**A/N: Oh, hey there! Sorry about the wait, finals may have fried my brain a little bit. Hopefully I'll be able to get another update up before Sunday, but if not, then don't expect one for a while, cause I'll be overseas sans a computer. As always review if you've got something to say.**


	7. Chapter 7

The days continue on in much the same manner, I wake up and Alice comes in with breakfast. We chat for a while, and I am pleasant, but not overly friendly. I can see that there is pain behind Alice's eyes as I rebuff her attempts at rekindling our friendship, but I know this situation is only temporary, and I refuse to allow myself to be hurt any more by this family. Further, with the last vestiges of the fog absent from my brain I am able to fully reflect back on my memories and see our friendship for what it truly was, a chance for Alice to experience second hand humanity.

Next I go to m sessions with Rosalie where she tries in vain to get me to talk about my nightmares and about my abandonment issues. She tries every method she can think of, from demanding my cooperation to pleading with me, to attempting to offer me incentives. I actually laughed when she tried that one, there is nothing I want, at least not anything that she is capable of delivering. My sessions usually end with me giving her something as a way for me to leave the confines of the room.

My afternoons are spent in a variety of different ways. Sometimes I bake with Esme, treats for Carlisle to bring to the hospital. Emmett and I play video games, but he always wins. Jasper, Carlisle and I watch historical documentaries that I don't care about. The first one we watched was about military weapons throughout history. I caught Carlisle watching my face nervously and I asked him what was wrong. He said he'd expected me to be bothered by the gore. I told him it didn't bother me anymore.

Alice made attempts at getting me out of the house, but I did not want to deal with people. For that matter I also did not want to deal with Alice, or Alice's idea of entertainment

I rarely saw Rosalie outside of our sessions, which she told me was to keep me from feeling uncomfortable with telling her things in our sessions. She said that if I was worrying about her analyzing me when we were spending time with the family that there was no way for her to do her job properly.

As of yet no one had spoken of the missing Cullen's whereabouts, and I must admit that I am curious as to where he could be and why no one has said anything about him. I keep expecting someone to slip up and mention something about him, but in truth I know better. Vampires never slip.

However my curiosity is beginning to get the better of me and that is how I find myself in one of Rosalie's more militant sessions interrupting her to ask about her estranged brother.

"… really Bella, I can't see how you can expect me to get anywhere if you don't open your mouth and say something –

"Where's Edward?"

She stops speaking immediately and stares at me for a moment.

"Not here."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes at her, but it is a close thing.

"I understand that. I was hoping that perhaps you could narrow it down a bit more."

"I really can't."

"Because he doesn't want me to know where he is," it is not a question but a statement. Although I cannot help but wonder if what he thinks I'm going to do about it if I know where he is. It's not like I can easily just jump on a plane and stalk him. It's not like I would stalk him, he made his opinions on me very clear.

"No Bella, because I don't know where he is."

"What do you mean you don't know where he is?"

Rosalie sighs, "He hasn't lived with us for a while now. He checks in with us every few months and Esme and Alice plead with him to come home to us, but he never does. He used to come visit upon occasion, if we were vacationing and he was near us or if it was an important day or something like that, but it's gotten less frequent. He used to call once a week, and visit once a month, then it turned into calling once a month and visiting twice a year. No his calls are sporadic at best, and he hasn't visited in over a year. Last time he called he was in Southern England."

I am momentarily stunned by this information, "Why doesn't one of you go to see him?"

She laughs without humor, "You think we haven't tried that? A while back Edward called and Emmett and I got on the next plane to where he was, but by the time we'd gotten there, he'd already moved on. He uses burn phones or pay phones wherever he goes, so we can't track him that way, and because of air travel he can go from place to place without us ever knowing."

"What about Alice's visions?"

"He can actually circumvent those fairly easily by buying multiple tickets and getting on a plane at random. Plus, she doesn't see him that well these days unless she's looking for him, and he knows how to work the holes in her visions so well she's somewhat powerless."

"What about his bank accounts? Or his passports?"

"Bella, one of the first things we all learned upon joining this family is how to cover your tracks. As soon as he left us Edward emptied his bank accounts and moved the money around into multiple smaller accounts stashed all over the world. Even when we find one it's useless because he's either emptied it or it sits dormant. He also has countless new aliases that we know nothing about. Whenever we find one he burns it and the information is useless. From what we can piece together Edward is living some sort of high class nomadic lifestyle moving from place to place almost as soon as his feet touch the ground."

I take a moment to absorb all of this, and somehow managing to keep my composure I say, "That must mean that he's finding a lot of distractions out there,"

Rosalie tilts her head to the side, as if she is confused, "I imagine there must be some." That is where she ends the session.

_**SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA**_

I am sitting in my room staring at the ceiling when Alice comes in. She has a pout on her face, and I know she wants something from me.

She sits on the edge of my bed and slowly inches closer until she is sitting right up against me. I continue to stare at the ceiling and she sighs. I resist the urge to look at her face. I want to win this particular fight, even if I don't know what I'm fighting her on.

She sighs again and puts her head on my shoulder. I can easily picture her golden eyes staring up at my face, waiting for me to crack and look down at her, or move in the slightest. I wonder why I am fighting her, this can only end one way, and is not with me winning. Silently admitting defeat I turn to look at her.

"What do you want Alice?" My tone is not exactly pleasant.

"Bella, why do you hate me now?" Although the despair in her tone seems overdone, I can actually hear the pain behind her words.

"I don't hate you Alice, I just don't particularly like you at the moment. Of course I don't suppose I dislike you either, I guess I'm really quite neutral on the topic."

"We used to be like sisters Bella," her tone is now more normalized and I can tell she is gearing up for a serious discussion about this. I recognize that I have been avoiding this discussion and that I have now reached the limits of Alice's patience.

"Were we Alice? I mean really?"

She furrows her brow, she is clearly confused by my statement, "Yes, we were Bella. We would hang out and watch movies and go to the mall and I would give you makeovers, that's what sisters do. We would stay up all night talking, but now it's like I have to pull teeth just to get a few words out of you."

I remind myself to watch my tone, that for as much as Alice can act the part of a human girl, she does not have a human past to draw on as the others do. It is difficult.

"No Alice, that's not what sisters do. That's what sisters in movies do. That's what best friends in movies do. And while no, I will not deny that that is a big part of being a sister or a friend in reality, it is only a part of it, and a superficial part at best."

Alice is angry with me now, she is tense.

"So what then Bella? What part was I missing to be counted as your sister?"

"You don't want to hear it," I warn.

"Oh trust me, I'm dying to hear it."

I lose control of my temper.

"You didn't stay when I needed you. Sisters fight, they steal each other's clothes, call each other hurtful names, and refuse to apologize sometimes, but in the end they are always there for each other."

Alice looks as if she is about to say something in protest, but I cut her off before she can even get started.

"No, you don't get to argue with me on this, Alice you left me! And I get it, I really truly do. He's your brother, and you love him, and ultimately your loyalties lie with him, and that's perfectly fair. I understood why you left with your family, and I never blamed you for that. But you didn't answer my phone calls, or my emails, or my texts. Hell, you didn't even say goodbye, you didn't even give me that courtesy. I was in hell, and there was nobody there to pull me out."

My eyes are burning, and my cheeks are wet, and I realize that I am crying.

"You can't possibly know what it was like because you weren't there, but let me give you a little taste. I was completely comatose for a week after you left, I couldn't eat, sleep or move without the aid of some seriously powerful drugs. Then I had to deal with my father ranting and raving about how terrible Edward was, and I couldn't deal with that either because regardless of what he did to me, I still loved him! Hell, I still do! And I don't think you realize how sick that makes me feel. Your brother took me out to the woods behind my house, essentially told me that I was fun to have around for a while, but it was time for him to move on. He told me your entire family had already moved on, and he was the only one who stuck around to say goodbye, then he just flitted off into the sunset.

"And if I thought those first weeks were bad, they were nothing compared to the weeks that followed. I had to suck it all up and act normal for Charlie, I had to ignore the gaping hole in my chest so that my father wouldn't worry about me. Then I find out that despite my best efforts Charlie can see right through the lies I've tried to build up, and he's decided that he isn't equipped to deal with it anymore, so he hands me over to a mental institution. Now I realize that you spent some time there yourself in your human life, but I know you don't remember it, so let me bring you up to speed. Every night I would listen to the people around me screaming out for their loved ones, I'd wake up from horrible nightmares to see strangers at the end of my bed with giant needles to sedate me. They'd drug me until I couldn't see straight because they'd ask me about Edward and I would start screaming until they stopped saying his name around me."

I cannot continue I'm sobbing so hard. Alice wraps me up in her arms and draws me close to her. I am so emotionally worn out that I let her.

"The worst part was that Edward didn't just take himself away, he took away my whole family, my whole future, but I couldn't very well explain that to the people there now could I? I tried to give them an edited version once, at the very beginning when I thought they could help me. I told my doctor that Edward and I had planned for a future together, that I'd become a member of his already giant family, that I looked at all of you as my brothers and sisters, and at Esme and Carlisle as an extra set of parents. My therapist just gave me this sad sort of smile and told me I had to be imagining that connection, after all, you all left without a goodbye, and none of you had come to visit me."

Alice pulls me against her even tighter, frantically shaking her head, "It's not true, it's not true, it's not true," she keeps saying the words over and over again like a chant. As if she thinks if she says them enough I'll believe her.

But I don't believe her, because all of the evidence I've seen points clearly to the opposite. I know that it is true, that they don't consider me to be one of them, and that they never did.

I fall asleep with Alice still wrapped around me.

_**SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA**_

The next morning when I wake up there is a note on the pillow opposite my head.

_Bella,_

_I'm canceling therapy for today ,Alice told me about last night, and I think you need a break from talking about your feelings for a little bit. I'm proud of you for opening up to her. _

_Alice is planning on taking you out today, and I think you should go with her, I know she has some things she wants to talk to you about, and I think it's about time you got out of the house, don't you?_

_Rosalie_

I am not happy.

I am not happy at all.

However, I do recognize that I got my chance to vent to Alice last night, and I do feel quite a bit better about things now. It seems only fair to let Alice have her say in the matter, as long as she doesn't try to pretend like everything's rainbows and unicorns. Or try to take me shopping.

There is a knock on my door and I invite the person in, knowing that it will be Alice. She enters the room slowly with a shy look on her face.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey," I reply.

"So, I was telling Rose about our talk last night, and she said that she was going to give you a break from therapy today, and I was wondering if you wanted to come out with me."

I consider her for a moment, "What did you have in mind?"

There is a tiny flicker of hope in her eyes. "Well, I was thinking that maybe we could go to this art museum that's nearby, they're having an exhibition on modern art, and the place is usually pretty empty on week days so you wouldn't have to deal with a ton of people. Then, maybe if you're feeling up to is we can grab you some lunch and talk for a little bit."

I am somewhat impressed with the thought she put into this plan. She isn't making me go somewhere she wants, instead she thought about my limitations and picked a calm place.

I manage a small smile, "sure Alice, just let me get dressed."

**A/N: Oh, hey there, remember me?**

**Sorry about the delay in getting this chapter out there, but it's a little longer than the rest, and I'm probably going to get right to work on the next one as soon as I post this, so hopefully the wait won't be too awful.**


	8. Chapter 8

I stare at the painting on the wall in front of me. It is a chaotic blend of colors that resembles the spin art I did as a child. It is called Fish. I do not know why. I am forced to wonder how I am the one who was put in a mental institution, because clearly there was something wrong here.

I turn to look at Alice who is standing next to me. "I don't get it," I say.

She squints at the picture for a moment, and I'm afraid she's about to go into some sort of rant about the artist's interpretation of the fish, and how the fish is really a metaphor for… I don't know a bus or something, but I am wrong.

"Yeah, me either," she giggles.

We have seen many interesting pieces thus far, most of which are called Untitled which I personally find extremely annoying. How do any of these artist's keep track of their work? My personal favorite was a pink piece of wood that was hung just slightly askew. A close second was the bench that wasn't a bench that I attempted to sit down on before Alice pulled me away.

"Do you think if we stare at it long enough and walk slowly backwards a 3D fish will appear? Like in those magic picture books?"

Alice laughs at my comment while shaking her head and pulls me into the next room. I have to hand it to the little vampire, she took me somewhere where I can be as snarky as I want, and no one's going to say anything because there's almost no one else here except the guards, one of whom I caught holding in a laugh at one of my more punching pieces of comedy.

That's not to say that some of the stuff isn't really cool, because it is, I just have a problem with some of the less defined pieces that seriously look like the pictures you make your dad for father's day in school oohs and ahhs over before placing them in the top drawer of his dresser with his socks.

We've been in the art museum for a few hours and Alice asks me if I want to go check out some of the other rooms with art that I might appreciate better, but I decline. I skipped breakfast this morning and I'm starting to get hungry. Alice and I leave the museum and she drives to a tiny, off the beaten path bistro that promises to give us privacy for the discussion I know she's been craving.

I order my food and wait patiently for Alice to start questioning me. Or the groveling, I'm honestly not sure what to expect at this point.

"Bella, I'm not going to subject you to the inquisition, so you can stop looking like you're waiting for the torture session to begin. "

"I thought you said you wanted to talk."

"I do, I just think that questioning you all about your feelings and the past is something that's best left up to Rosalie. I probably stepped way out of line on that front yesterday, and I don't want to do that again. For the most part I want to apologize to you."

I open my mouth to interrupt her, but she holds her hand up to silence me.

"I'm not going to apologize for my shortcomings back in Forks, I realize now that there's nothing I can say that will change the way you feel about what happened there, and I think you have every right to be angry with me about it, but I'll get to that in a little bit. What I really want to apologize for is the way I've acted since you've started living with us. I've been treating you more like a doll than a person. Honestly when Rosalie came home that first day after she found you and told us all what was going on, I almost went immediately to the center and brought you back here myself, but Rose made me agree to do things through the proper channels. "

She paused for a moment as if considering what to say next.

"I want you to know that while I have come to agree with several of the things you said yesterday, some of them are completely untrue. I've considered you my sister from the day you popped up in my visions, and I haven't stopped thinking of you as one since, regardless of how my actions may have indicated otherwise. And as soon as you were back with us I just assumed we'd pick up where we left off, but I can see clearly now that that was foolish of me. I broke your trust and I'm just going to have to earn it back. That means no more randomly walking into your room, or playing Bella Barbie because I'm bored."

She looked me straight in the eye.

"I am going to earn your trust back Bella, and we will be sisters again, if it's the last thing I do."

I considered that for a moment, it wasn't all together a bad plan. It wasn't that I wanted to be mad at Alice, or any of the Cullens for that matter, it was more that I was afraid to trust them with my heart again. And the truth was, even if it was just a façade so that Edward could play with the human, I had missed them all terribly.

"Okay Alice, that sounds fair, but we're going to have to do this slowly, at my pace, or I just don't see it working out."

A huge grin split across Alice's face, "So Bella, what do recently reacquainted friends talk about while they're out to lunch?"

We both burst out laughing.

**SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA**

The next morning it was back to business as usual and I was once again being subjected to my sessions with Rosalie.

"Did you have a nice time with Alice yesterday?"

"Yes, it was… different."

"Different how?"

"I don't know, it was just different."

Rosalie looks pensive for a moment. "Was it good different or bad different?"

"Neutral different," for once, I am not trying to be difficult, I simply cannot find the appropriate words to describe yesterday's outing. Thankfully Rosalie seems to realize that I am not trying to dodge her questions and decides to take a more direct approach.

"What did you too talk about?"

I wage an internal debate as I try to decide how much to tell her. Part of me wants to keep some things from her in order to preserve both mine and Alice's privacy, but a larger part of me knows that I need to keep therapist Rosalie separate from Alice's sister Rosalie if I ever want to get better. I give Rosalie a rundown of our lunch conversation, which she considers for a few minutes.

"So Alice didn't ask your forgiveness for what she did to you in Forks?"

I shake my head, "No, just for more recent history."

Rosalie looks me dead in the eye and asks, "Would you have forgiven her if she had asked?"

Her question causes me some pause. My heart and my head are warring with each other, one demands compassion, the other retribution for the pain she caused me. I want to pull Alice into my arms and tell her that everything is all right and that I know she did what she thought was best at the time and that everything's going to be okay. But I also want to have vampire strength for a little bit so that I can pull her head off her shoulders and play soccer with it until I feel like she's felt some of the pain she caused me.

"I don't know," I whisper honestly, "in that moment I probably would have, but I wouldn't have meant it."

"Why not?"

"Because I was riding on a high from our day together, and I would have said just about anything to keep Alice happy in that moment. It wouldn't have felt like a concession given the immediate reward." I laugh quietly to myself.

"What's so funny?" Rosalie asks, confused.

"It's nothing," I reply, "I'm just remembering these kids I knew when I was younger. They were three brothers, and we went to the same park some afternoons. They used to fight all the time, so their mom would come up with something to tempt one of them away from the argument. Like if the oldest one was playing with a soccer ball and a younger one took it, he would try to get it back, and they would fight. So the mom would pull out a lollipop or something for the older kid, and he'd take it and everything would be fine… until the lollipop was gone. Then the kid would take the soccer ball back, usually by force, and there would be an even bigger mess than before."

Rosalie nods in understanding, "And in this situation, your forgiveness is the soccer ball?"

"Yeah, and the happy, carefree ease Alice and I attained yesterday is the lollipop. I don't want to tell her I forgive her, when in all honesty, I really don't, because later, it's just going to be worse when something goes bad and I revert to being upset with her again and she doesn't know why."

"So where do you two go from here?"

I shake my head, "I honestly don't know. I want our friendship back, but not at the expense of my having to give Alice a false apology."

"I think that you're seriously underestimating my sister Bella. Alice wouldn't have said she didn't expect your forgiveness if she did, she's not that passive aggressive unless clothing is involved, and she honestly believes that she doesn't deserve your forgiveness yet."

I think about this for a moment. "Well, what do you think? What would you do in my position?"

"Honestly I think you've been thrown through hell and back by my family, and if I were you I would have tried to run as soon as I got in the house. I would have yelled and screamed, and refused to leave my room. I would tell Alice to go screw herself, and her apology."

I am fairly shocked, Rosalie's face is hard, and I am fairly sure my mouth is hanging open. Her eyes soften.

"But, you're not me Bella, and as much as I hate to admit it, that's probably a good thing. You're more forgiving than I could ever hope to be. It's actually one of the things I admire about you. So, as much as I think you should just kick us all to the curb, I know that you're going to forgive everyone in the end. That's just the way you are… and I believe that about wraps up our session for the day."

I look at the clock and see that only half the time of our usual sessions has passed, but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth and so I leave.

_**SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA**_

I am lounging in my bed when there is a light knock on the door.

"Come in Alice," I say assuming that the little pixie will be standing outside the door.

However I am wrong and Esme quietly enters my room, "Sorry, dear, not Alice, although I hope your welcome applies to me as well."

"Of course Esme, you know it does."

She smiles at me, "I was actually just on my way to the grocery store, and I thought that since you're the only one in this house who actually eats you might like a say in what I buy. Want to come with me?"

I sense that this has nothing to do with my meal preferences as the Cullens all know that I'll eat anything they put in front of me, but I agree to go along with Esme anyway.

We get into her Lexus SUV which I think is very upper class soccer mom, and drive off to an upper class organic grocery store. Esme pushes the cart along pulling items off shelves seemingly at random, encouraging me to add anything I might want to the cart along the way. I grab a few things that look like they may be okay, and we check out. Our conversation while in the store is innocuous, we talk about the weather and how it will affect her garden.

Once we are back in the car I ask the question that's been burning in my mind since she started piling useless foods in the cart.

"What do you do with all of this?"

She laughs, "Well obviously you eat some of it, but I try to buy as many non-perishables as I can so that I can donate it, although I have to spread my donations out over a decent area. It seems a little bizarre if someone sees me in the grocery store Monday with a cart full of food and at the shelter the next day donating all of it. And of course I bake things for Carlisle to bring to the hospital, and I cook meals for some elderly neighbors."

"Seems like a lot of work for someone who doesn't even like the smell of food."

She shrugs, "It's not that bad, and don't forget, unlike my children I spend the day walking around the house while my mate is at work. The others don't…"

She trails off and leaves me confused.

"The others what Esme?"

She turns her head to me and smiles, which is a little alarming given the fact that she is still driving, "Nothing dear, I was just going to say that the other's don't have the time or the interest."

She seems sincere, but somehow I know that she is thinking of Edward, and how her home is not complete without him, or for that matter without his mate, whoever she may be.

For a while we are silent, until we turn onto the Cullen's street, when Esme mentions that she is going to be making cupcakes for a colleague of Carlisle's and asks if I would like to help, but I never get the chance to answer as we pull into the Cullen's driveway.

Because stepping out of a standard sedan, looking as beautiful as ever, stands Edward Cullen.

And he looks pissed as hell.

**A/N: Copymachine- sorry to confuse you, hopefully this chapter cleared some things up for you.**

**Serina 93 – I appreciate your point of view, and I agree that in some stories I find that Bella is too quick to forgive the Cullens, however, the way I see it Stephenie Meyer made Bella a very forgiving character, and this is just my interpretation of how Bella may have developed in a different set of circumstances. I'm not saying she forgives Alice, but she's also not quite that angry in the fic.**

**Cassandra96 – Hmmm, a JPOV… I have to tell you that I haven't had much luck with writing Jasper in the past, so it's unlikely that I'll do it, but I'm not ruling anything out because I may be really punch drunk one night and find my inner Southerner.**

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chapter, I really appreciate them, and they keep me wanting to write more of the story! Let me know what you think of this chapter if you feel the urge to do so.**


	9. Chapter 9

EPOV

Being out in the world on my own was exhausting. Well, actually, if I'm being perfectly honest with myself, it isn't the world that's exhausting, but rather my family and their constant need to check up on me. Truth be told, the world and I have had very little reaction over the years.

It is true that when I first left my angel, even now I have difficulty thinking her name, I curled up into a ball for two months, unmoving, unwilling to hunt, uncaring about my survival, but eventually two things come around to drag me out of the worst of my depression. One was my brother Emmett, the other, a desire for revenge.

Emmett came and found me while I was sitting in a cave god only knows where and staring at the wall. Later he told me that he was there for five days before I even so much as acknowledged his presence. When I finally noticed him he picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and went hunting with me, forcing me to drink. Apparently, although my mind had lost the will to survive, my body hadn't let go quite yet, and the instant he pressed the dead animal to my lips instinct took over and I started to drink.

Afterwards Emmett attempted to have a heart to heart with me about going back to her. I staunchly refused, and when I failed to bend to his wishes he begged me to come home with him, a plea to which I'd relented.

Life with the family wasn't the same as it had been before. They tried to disguise their thoughts from me, but I was constantly overwhelmed by their pity and grief. It soon became more than I could bear. I left after a month.

Of course they tried to get me to stay, begged me even, but I could not be deterred. I did manage to pacify my mother and father by telling them that I wasn't going to go back to some cave to wither and die, instead I was going to go after the one thing from my world that still threatened my angel.

Victoria.

My brothers asked to come with me, Jasper because he felt the need to atone for his actions, and Emmett, who claimed it was because he liked to kick ass, but really I could tell from his thoughts that is was because he didn't believe me about the cave.

I refused both of them, claiming it was something I had to do alone. In all honesty I just didn't wasn't to be around my family any more. I couldn't take the pity I read in their thoughts, or the constant supposing that if I just wasn't so stubborn, and I would just go back to her, that I could be happy.

So I set out on my quest to make the world a safer place for my angel. My first attempts were not very good, I went back to Phoenix, but obviously the trail had gone cold. So I started asking around, looking into unsolved murders, but I kept coming up empty, until finally I ran across an old acquaintance of Carlisle's who gave me the lead I was looking for, and I ended up in Brazil.

I chased her all through South America, but every time I got close she slipped through my fingers, and I began to suspect that she had some sort of talent. Of course, that all proved to be useless when she attempted to make her way north back towards the United States.

She crossed over the border and decided to have a celebratory meal, but unfortunately she hadn't studied her vampire history enough. If she had, she would have known that she had entered a war zone, and she was feeling in someone else's territory. The next time I saw her there were five vampires closing in on her. I could hear her thoughts as she desperately tried to find an escape route, but clearly she wasn't paying as much attention as she should have been.

Because the instant she settled on a route and implemented her plans she crashed straight into my waiting arms.

I did not waste precious seconds with witty banter a la some movie villain. I dismembered her quickly and efficiently, piling up her body parts and setting fire to them immediately. A months long search ended in less than thirty seconds.

Of course afterwards I had the Southerners to deal with. They weren't happy that I was on their territory and had taken a kill they believed to be rightfully theirs. Thankfully, my eyes were black and they could see I had not fed in some time, so they did not question me when I said I had not fed on their land. When they asked me why I had not fed in such a long time I told them I had been chasing Victoria.

This led to me giving them my entire sordid story, which they listened to attentively. With the way we were positioned around Victoria's flaming remains it was reminiscent of children gathered around a campfire to listen to ghost stories. I gathered from their thoughts that they did not frequently get visitors, at least not those they didn't feel compelled to kill. And so I told them everything, and I mean _everything_. From the time I moved to Forks, through my relationship with my love, our confrontation with James, and my leaving the most important thing in my universe, up until I killed Victoria.

I was surprised at how easy it was for me to speak with them. I believe that a part of me just wanted to get everything off my chest to someone who was not directly involved in the situation, someone who would not judge me for my sins.

They seemed taken with my tail and invited me back to their headquarters for the night, they even offered me a "meal" but I declined, claiming I had other matters to attend to. They bid me farewell and we turned to go in our separate directions. I'd been running for about a minute when I sensed the thoughts of one of the Southerners coming onto the fringes of my radar. Mentally the voice begged me to stop, to not be too far gone.

I don't know what made me head the mental pleadings, but I slowed my pace to a walk, and soon the vampire was able to catch up with me. I was surprised to see that it was a girl who looked to be about fourteen. She had a sweet face and blond hair, her blood red eyes actually seemed to compliment her features, they were somehow softer than the others.

Somehow I knew she was much older than she appeared, but I didn't ask her when she was changed. She came to a stop next to me and stared at me for a moment.

She uttered a single word.

"How?"

I knew from her thoughts she was wondering how I managed to leave my mate, my reason for existence.

"It was what was best for her," I responded.

She considered this for a moment, confused still. Then she spoke, "If it was what was best for her, then she was not your mate after all."

Rage ignited inside of me, potent and hot. How dare anyone question the claim I had on my angel, she was _my_ mate, and to say that she wasn't was sheer blasphemy.

The girl could see my anger building and chose to speak once more, "Easy traveler, if she was your mate then it was not what was best for her."

With that she flitted away, back to her uncomplicated existence of consuming human life.

After Victoria was disposed of I spent my time wandering. I hunted when I needed to, and I called my family upon occasion. Every so often I would visit them as a way to assuage my guilt, but I could never manage to stay for too long, and soon the visits became shorter and farther apart.

And so I did nothing more than exist. I wasn't aware of the passage of time. I stopped and hunted when necessary, and I bought new clothing when the things I was wearing became to worn out or dirty to be seen in public.

There were so many times I came so close to returning to the Olympic Peninsula, convinced that I could simply check on her, make sure she was happy, but deep down I knew that it would never be the case.

I knew that if I went to her and saw her unhappy and unattached I would sweep in and beg her forgiveness, I would get down on my knees and promise to do whatever she asked of me for a second chance. And if she was happy it would be even worse, because I knew that I would end up with innocent blood on my hands. The blood of whatever man had made her happy, because despite my intentions, there was something deep inside of me that just kept screaming out that she was _mine_, and that no other man could ever deserve to touch her.

I knew it was unfair, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help it. Somehow in my time away from her, the mating instinct took hold of me, and I was at war with myself. Half of me demanding that I go to her immediately and claim her as my own, the other half demanding I stay away, afraid for her safety and of what I may find if I got too close to her.

I was wandering around the northern part of the country when I came across a familiar scent. It was Jasper's. I knew that if any member of my family were to get close to this trail again, and I had not gone to see them, that they would chase me down until they found me. And so, I did what I did whenever I visited my family. I went into town, rented a car, and placed a call to the local hospital to get their address.

Ultimately I knew that this farce was unnecessary, I could easily have followed the trail back to the house, but I knew how much it upset Esme to think I was wandering around like some kind of savage. I'd caused her too much pain already, and so I went on with the illusion, it was a thinly veiled attempt to make believe that I was living my life in a way that she would approve of. I would pretend, she would pretend to buy my act, neither of us would say what we were really thinking.

At the rental agency I picked a simple car, it was a small town and there wasn't much need for luxury sport vehicles here, so my selection was severely limited. The woman I spoke to at the hospital gave me the address and I plugged it into the car's GPS.

As I approached the house I heard the thoughts of my family, well, at least some of them. I blocked them out instantly, not wanting to know what they were thinking about me when they realized I was getting closer. I park in the driveway and pause for a moment, I hear another car turning on to the road and I decide to wait until whoever is in it pulls in the driveway.

Only I'm given quite the shock when it happens, because as my mother pulls in front of the house I look at the seat next to her, which is occupied, by none other than Isabella Swan.

Someone has some explaining to do.

**A/N: Oh, hey there readers… it's me… I'm not dead. I had a crazy busy summer that left me physically and mentally exhausted, but now I'm back at school, and I'm severely pissed off with my roommate, which has left me to take out my frustrations somehow, and writing soothes me. So although I'm really annoyed right now, at least something good came out of this right? EPOV is something I don't normally do, but I needed to get myself back into this somehow, so here you go. **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hey guys, I know I never put Author's Notes at the beginning of the chapter, but this one seems relevant. I realize that up until the last chapter I've been writing in the present tense, and when I started this story, that was what made the most sense to me. However, ever since Bella left the mental institution and started to open up, it's been harder for me to write that way, so for the time being I'm going to use the past tense. For those of you who see this update and start reading, today, I'm sorry, this is the sort of thing that causes me to leave a story, I hope that doesn't happen to you.**

BPOV

I didn't know what to do. There was no other way to put it. Looking at the situation objectively, I realize how ridiculous it actually was. Here I was, a mental patient, who was being treated by her ex-boyfriend's step-sister in their mansion, and now the ex-boyfriend shows up, despite being incommunicado for months.

It really sounded bad, even before sticking the vampire element in there.

I could feel myself starting to shut down as I gazed into his angry amber eyes. He hadn't changed a bit, not that I had expected him to. The only thing different about him was his expression, a mask of pure fury I hadn't seen on his face since the first day I saw him. Finally Esme moved to get out of the car, and I followed her lead.

"What is going on here?" he hissed. I didn't know how to answer the question, but thankfully I was saved by Alice, who had just come zipping out of the house.

"Well, Edward, I would think it's rather obvious. Bella and Mom just got back from doing the grocery shopping."

Edward turned on his sister then, I could see his lips moving in a rapid vibration, but he was speaking too low and quick for my human ears to comprehend. So I stood there like an idiot while the rest of the Cullen clan dutifully filed out onto the front lawn.

Jasper went immediately to his mate, eager to defend her against his irate brother. Carlisle went to Esme to comfort her, while Emmett turned to break up the fight that was clearly brewing between Edward and Jasper.

Rosalie flashed to my side, whispering in my ear, "Come on, let's get you out of here."

Somehow she sensed the fact that I couldn't move and grabbed my hand, encouraging me. We hadn't taken more than a few steps before Edward was directly in front of us.

"Where are you taking her?" He asked.

"In the house," Rosalie responded, her tone aloof, "clearly you're having some sort of moment, and I don't think Bella needs to be around to see it."

With that she stepped around Edward and continued to walk me towards the house, my eyes on the ground the entire way.

Once we got inside I wasn't sure what to do, but the obvious first step seemed to be to go up to my room and pack. I tried to make my way towards the stairs, but Rosalie intercepted me.

"Where do you think you're going?"

I sighed, "Upstairs, I want to get a start on the packing I need to do. Not that there should be too much of it anyway, all of the stuff up there is yours. I hope you won't mind if I bring a few things to tide me over for a while though, I'm going to need clothes you see."

Rosalie got a disgusted look on her face, "Okay Bella, let's say that I decide to go along with this self pity party you have going on here. Let's say that anyone in this family would be willing to let you go. Where are you going to go huh? What's your next move?"

I realized I hadn't thought it through that far, but I came up with an answer anyway. "I have to go back to the center don't I? I mean, it's not like I can go back to Charlie without drawing attention to your family. Of course I'm going to need to get a ride back there, but if one you will bring me, I promise it's the last you'll hear of me, you won't need to worry about me anymore."

Rosalie just shook her head. "Do you really think we ever had any intention of letting you go back there Bella? Seriously? That place was horrible and there isn't anything they can do for you there. In fact as far as their records are concerned, you were discharged the day you came home with me."

"But, what about Charlie? There's no way he would have approved that."

"He didn't have to Bella, when he put you in the center, he signed your care over to them, which they in turn signed over to me… well I guess Carlisle technically. Anyway, since you were over eighteen when you were admitted, they technically don't need to contact Charlie at all."

I was beyond confused, "But the doctors said I would have to go back."

Rosalie smirked, "Bella, I have documents claiming I'm everything from sixteen to twenty-eight, in a variety of last names. Do you really think it was that hard to forge discharge papers at a second rate mental institution?"

Well, when she put it that way…

"Well, thank you for everything you've done Rose, but I still don't see what bearing this has on the issue at hand. Whether or not I was discharged from the center, I still have to leave here. I suppose I'll need to find somewhere to live now, but the end result is still the same."

She let out a huff of frustration, "You aren't getting it are you? Bella, as much as you may not want to hear it, you belong here. You belong with us."

Ironically, those were the words I wanted to hear more than anything, but they did not change the facts. I was not going to be responsible for breaking this family up a second time.

"Oh I get it, I think I get it better than you think. Look, I don't know why Edward has stayed away from your family for this long, but I'm not naive enough not to realize I had at least something to do with it, you were all happy before I came along, and you'll all be happy again once I'm gone. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and pack."

With that I turned on my heels and ran up the stairs, surprisingly maintaining my balance. I wasn't foolish enough to think that Rosalie couldn't catch up to me and stop me before I managed to take a step, but somehow I knew that she wouldn't.

I had enough energy to run into my room, shut the door, and pull a duffle bag out of the closet. But as soon as I'd placed it on my bed and went to the dresser to start packing some things, I froze, my mind moving a mile a minute.

My limbs started to tingle and my chest was tight, like no matter how hard I tried I wasn't able to get enough oxygen into my lungs. I started to shake, and I was vaguely aware of tears streaming down my face. My vision started to fade in and out and there was a strange pounding in my head. Then the world faded to black and I landed on the floor with a thud.

_****_

There were voices speaking in hushed tones near me. I couldn't make out what they were saying, it was too quiet and too fast, but most of the buzzing seemed to by urgent and angry. I wanted to yell at them to shut up, I'd been having a very pleasant dream involving a unicorn and a teddy bear. They were getting married, and it was a lovely ceremony, at least until it was invaded by the rapid buzzing noise that the voices made.

Just as I was about to attempt to speak with the voices, they stopped. I tried to snuggle back into the covers, but someone chose that moment to say something at a speed and volume I could comprehend.

"Bella, sweetheart? Can you hear me?"

I knew that voice, it was so familiar, but I couldn't seem to place it.

"Bella, if you can hear me, could you try to open your eyes for me?"

I liked the voice, and there was a part of me that wanted to please it, so I tried to do as it asked. My eyelids fluttered and I was looking into the face of Carlisle, Alice was standing right behind him.

Suddenly I tried to sit up, but he hands were on my shoulders, restraining me.

"Easy there Bella, you had a bit of a fall. How's your head feeling?"

Well, it was fine until he brought it up. I groaned, "Not so great what happened?"

Carlisle smirked and shook his head, "Well, from what I can gather, you seem to have had a panic attack and you fainted." He seemed to be laughing at me.

"I don't really get how that's even funny a little bit Carlisle." I said, frustrated.

He instantly made an effort to contain his mirth, "I'm sorry Bella, it's just that you were standing right in front of the bed. Anyone else would have fallen back against the mattress, but you fell at an angle and conked your head on the bed post. It's nothing serious, and you don't have a concussion, but it's something that would only happen to you."

So that's why I felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my skull. I groaned and pulled a pillow over my head. It was removed instantly, by a black haired little pixie with an enraged look on her face.

"And just why were you having a panic attack Bella? Could it have had anything to do with your sudden decision to leave? Even though I just got you back, and we just decided to try and be friends again? Is any of this sounding familiar to you?"

I sighed, "Alice, if Edward is here then I shouldn't be. He's your brother and I don't want to interfere with your family."

Alice shook her head and started to talk before I could open my mouth to give her my full explanation as to why I should leave. "Oh no you don't Bella Swan! You are the best thing to happen to this family since Jasper and I came along fifty years ago. You say that my brother belongs here more than you do, but damn it Bella, you're my sister, even if you don't feel that way right now, and you're not going anywhere, especially so soon after I got you back. I don't care if I have to lock you in this room and bring you food three times a day until you start to see reason. You're not going anywhere, do you hear me?"

At the end of her tirade she launched herself at me, burying her face in my hair. I could tell she was shaking, and I was surprised to say the least.

"Okay Alice, it's okay, I won't leave, but there's a condition to this."

She lifted her head from my shoulder, her gaze wary. "What would that be?"

I took a deep breath, drawing in the strength I needed to say this.

"If I'm going to stay here with Edward around, I need him to stay away from me, or I need to stay away from him, but either way, we can't be around each other if it can be avoided. And I definitely don't want any of you leaving us alone together, at least not until I say you can."

Halfway through my condition Alice started to shake her head rapidly, "But Bella –

"No!" I said, firmly, "No 'but Bella' this is how it has to be Alice. He left me, which means he obviously doesn't want to be around me, and I will not force my presence on him in his own home."

"Bella, this is more your home than it is his!"

I sighed, "Okay, Alice, but see, here's the thing, he left me broken and alone in the woods, he tore down my self esteem, killed my relationship with my parents, took away my family, and ultimately put me in a mental institution. If you won't do it for him, will you at least do it for me?"

Alice nodded her head, and opened her mouth to say something, but the voice I heard wasn't hers.

It was her brother's perfect voice, although it was marred by some emotion I couldn't recognize.

"Mental institution?"

I sunk down into the pillows, trying to hide my face from his topaz gaze.

"You're really doing a bang up job of keeping us separate Alice."

**A/N: So that's this chapter… reviews are always appreciated, and thanks for reading!**


	11. Chapter 11

I laid in the bed that the Cullens had so generously provided, then refused to let me give back, as I listened to the storm that was Hurricane Edward rage a floor below me. I knew vampires had the ability to be incredibly quiet, I'd witnessed it more than enough times, however I hadn't thought that they could be too much louder than an irate human.

But of course, I was wrong. Vampires excel at everything they try, and really, being loud isn't all that difficult to begin with.

Not that I could make out anything that anyone was saying down there, because in addition to being incredibly loud, they were also speaking incredibly quickly. I could sometimes make out the tenor of the voice that was used and place it with the correct family member, Esme was easiest because after her there was always a brief period of blissful quiet. I could only assume that she reminded them of the fact that there was a human upstairs who needed rest, and who was not actually hearing impaired.

I hadn't gotten much of a chance to respond to Edward after he came into the room, as he was quickly and forcibly removed by Emmett who had appeared at the door a moment after Edward made his presence known. Alice had stayed only long enough to inform me that I shouldn't worry, and that they would take care of everything. That had been hours ago, and the fighting had been going on since she flitted out of my room.

Every few minutes I would hear the distinct sound of something being smashed, which was generally somewhat quickly followed by a smacking noise, that I assumed was Esme smacking someone upside the head.

I heard a tinkling shattering noise, and a high pitched squeal followed by several smacks in rapid succession.

"Temper, temper," I muttered darkly to myself, clearly having forgotten that the supernatural creatures below me would be able to hear my every heartbeat, let alone any words I may say.

Suddenly all the noise below me came to an abrupt halt. I mentally uttered a curse at my own stupidity. In the time I'd spent with the Cullens recently I'd come to observe some things about the vampire mind. Their brains were very clearly able to focus on multiple tasks, like how Esme could make me breakfast, look over plans for a renovation she was working on, and check in on the phone with Carlisle all at the same time without missing a beat. With this ability, I'm sure that almost every Cullen was monitoring my breathing to some extent, and had to know that I was awake in some part of their mind, but as long as I was being quiet, they were able to put that aside for the moment. From the instant I opened my mouth and began forming words I gave myself away.

There was a knock at my door, and Rosalie entered without waiting for me to let her in.

"What's up Doc?" I asked, not moving from my position on the bed. She grimaced and walked over to me and sat down next to me.

"How much of that did you hear?"

"I _heard_ pretty much all of it, I _understood_ almost none of it. You all talk pretty damn fast for the living dead." Apparently snarky, smart ass Bella was back in full force tonight.

"So you don't have any idea what's going on down there?"

"Nope. Care to enlighten me?"

She looked away for a moment, "How much do you want to know Bella?"

My first instinct was to tell her to spill everything to me, I was sick and tired of being the odd woman out, the last one to know everything. The entire time I'd known the Cullens whenever anything came up that may or may not be considered a family matter, I either put all the pieces together first, or I was the last one they told, and in general only because they absolutely had to. I'd always hated that.

But just as I was about to tell her to spill her guts a thought occurred to me. Did I really want to know? Did I really want to hear everything Edward said about me? Everything Edward was told about me? What was said downstairs had the potential to finally break me completely. What if he demanded I leave?

"How much do you think I need to know?" I asked.

Rosalie looked me dead in the eye, "Ultimately I think you need to know everything, perhaps a better question would be how much you're ready to know. The answer is not much."

And just like that my anger flared up again, "How can you tell me I'm not ready to know what went on down there? I'm not a child Rosalie, I'm an adult, and I think I can decide when I'm ready to hear about something that concerns me."

The sound that came out of Rose next sounded suspiciously like a snort, but it was somehow melodic, and prettier than my laugh. "Bella, I'm your therapist, and I'm telling you you're not ready. You may not be a child, but until recently you thought you were a teenager. Not to mention the fact that you're moods are still all over the place because you haven't been out of the institution long enough for the drugs to work their way out of your system yet. If I were to tell you everything right now, I don't know how you'd react because the chemicals in your brain are all completely out of wack. I can always tell you in a couple of weeks when you're stabilized, I can't make you forget once I've told you what was said."

My anger began to dissipate as she spoke, and by the time she was done, I was ready to cry. Perhaps there was something to this mood swing situation after all.

"Just tell me if I need to pack a bag or not."

"Of course not, and if I didn't know how messed up in the head you were right now, I'd be insulted you even asked. This abandonment thing you've got going on is something we're really going to have to get into a lot more. We may even have to double the length of our sessions."

"Awesome," a toddler would have been able to recognize my sarcasm.

Rose shook her head. "Get some sleep. When we have our session tomorrow, there's some stuff I want to go over with you. And some of it may be a little draining."

I rolled over and groaned into my pillow.

**A/N: Oh hey there… please don't kill me for the ridiculously long time I took to post this. I have no excuses, except that real life gets in the way. **

**So this was a bit of a filler chapter, and that's the bad news. The good news is that I'm posting this and getting started on the next chapter, so hopefully it won't take 10 months. **


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: This chapter is going to deal with some talk of depression and suicide. If this is a trigger for you in any way, please be warned. If you don't want to read this chapter because of these parts, please send me a message or write me a review, and I will give you a plot summary, from this chapter, so you're not behind.**

When I woke up the following morning the house was quiet. Not that the Cullens were normally a loud group of people, quite the opposite, but there was usually at least some sort of noise that let me know I wasn't all alone in the house. I suspected that the sounds they made were either for my benefit or a holdover from having to act human all the time, but I didn't really care about it enough to ask.

Upon further inspection of my surroundings I saw that someone had brought up breakfast for me and pulled out some comfy clothing for me to wear for the day. A note next to a small bowl of mixed fruit informed me that the entire family, with the exception of Rose had gone to the nearest major city, which was two hours away (or half that Cullen speed), and they would be gone for the remainder of the day. I was to take my time eating and getting ready, but as soon as I felt I was ready I was to meet Rose outside in the garden.

I toyed with the idea of staying locked up in my room for a few more hours simply to avoid dealing with my session, but something told me that if I did that the rest of the family would magically decide to make a weekend of it and stay overnight. So rather than act like a petulant child I went about my morning routine. I didn't rush, but I didn't drag my feet either.

The garden was one of the most peaceful places in the house. I didn't spend much time in it, but I wished I did. There were rows of neatly kept flowers and in the center there was a glider swing, which was where I found Rosalie waiting for me.

"Good morning Bella, how did you sleep last night?"

"Fine, as well as could be expected at least."

Rosalie nodded thoughtfully. "I asked the family to clear out for a bit longer than usual. I hope you don't mind, but you and I need to talk about quite a bit today, and I didn't want to risk one of them over hearing us. There's also a therapeutic activity I'm going to try with you later on, assuming you're up to it."

"What kind of activity? Because I'm not striping down so you can paint words on my body with pudding or anything like that."

She let out a peal of startled laughter, "Why the hell would I want to do anything even remotely like that?"

I shrugged, "I don't know, I saw it on a reality show once."

Rose just shook her head and continued to laugh, "No Bella, I will not be stripping you down to paint you with anything, pudding or otherwise. I'm also not going to tell you what the activity is until we get to that point. I want to start today off by talking about your diagnosis and medication. Do you remember how I said they were treating you for the wrong things at the hospital?"

I nodded.

"Well, that wasn't entirely true. In looking over your files, you were depressed when you entered the institution, and to an extent you still are, but they were treating you for suicidal tendencies, which you didn't really display. So I'm going to ask you straight up, have you ever tried to kill yourself?"

"No."

"Have you ever had thoughts of suicide or self harm?"

"Yes."

"Can you please elaborate?"

I had to take a moment to order my thoughts. Yes, I'd had thoughts of suicide, but I never thought to take them seriously, they were fleeting. "I haven't ever really thought about hurting myself, I'm not a masochist. I have thought about suicide though, not in a big way though. I mean, I never made a plan or anything, I never let my thoughts get that far. It was more when I was in the institution, I wanted an escape, I needed to get out of there."

Rosalie nodded, "So you never had any thoughts of suicide before entering the institution?"

"Not that I can recall."

"Alright, that deals fairly neatly with one of their failed diagnoses. The drugs they had you on are known to create some thoughts of suicide in young adults as a side effect. Although you were technically depressed, in the clinical sense, they were not treating you correctly for the cause of your depression. However, in your doctor's defense, there was really no way for them to do that."

"Why not?"

"I'm afraid that falls under the realm of things that you aren't ready to hear as of yet."

I huffed in frustration, "And when do you think I'll be ready to hear all of these things that you keep hinting at?"

"I don't know Bella, this isn't an exact science, and even if it was, your case would likely be the exception to the rule. I hope for everyone involved that you're ready soon, but it might take a while before you are."

She gave me a moment to mull that over before continuing her discussion of all the ways my doctors had fucked me up.

"Now, on to the PTSD, again, your doctor's weren't entirely wrong, you did display signs of PTSD, and I'm rather confident that you do in fact suffer from it, however, you couldn't ever talk about why you had it, so they couldn't council you properly. According to they're notes they assumed that you had some sort of violent breakup, or that there was some other sort of intense trauma surrounding your break up."

"There was intense trauma surrounding my break up!" I burst out.

Rosalie kept her calm demeanor though. "I'm not saying that there wasn't, again though there's a lot of that that stems from the things you're not ready to talk about. I'm referring more to the fact that your PTSD began with the James situation, not with Edward leaving you. You never really dealt with that, not that anyone can blame you. You seemed to be fine, and Edward decided that none of us were to dredge up bad memories for you, so we left it alone. When we left you no longer had the protection that we offered, and so your mind turned on itself."

I mulled this over for a while, having never really considered that there may have been consequences of James's attack after my initial injuries, but now that someone laid it all out for me, it seemed obvious. In fact more stuff started to come to my mind.

"What about all the other stuff though? Could any of that have had an effect?"

Rosalie cocked her head to the side, "What other stuff?"

I started to tick the events off on my fingers, "Well before the entire incident with James there were other events which occurred that I might have repressed. I almost got gang raped in Port Angeles and I almost got hit my Tyler's van. Add then there's all the stuff after that, like when Jasper came after me, and then Edward left. Really, I was just a time bomb wasn't I?"

Rosalie thought on that for a moment, "Yes, I suppose you were. If you really think about it, you'll find that Edward was your protector through most of those events, and when he left it's like you had your safety blanket removed. Was your life in Phoenix as dangerous as your life in Forks? I've seen your medical records, and you did suffer quite a few injuries, but there isn't a lot about the causes of those injuries in your file."

"No, I mean, I'm not the most graceful person, so most of the injuries resulted from me trying to do normal things, like jump off a swing or something. My life wasn't particularly traumatic."

Rose nodded, "So then, yes, I would say that there is probably some merit to the idea that the incidents before James had an impact on your mind. You have me at a bit of a disadvantage Bella, in that I can't know for sure how your mind works, but I know it must be at least somewhat different from the way the minds of others work, because my brother can't read you."

"Great, so there really is something fucked up in my brain, awesomesauce."

Rose laughed, "Yes and no, there's something _different_ in your brain, something that isn't there in others. Then there are other physiological differences between you and your average Joe on the street. There are some things in your brain that are the same as every human, and to a point that's where the PTSD comes from, then there are the things in your brain that have to do with outside influences, which is where I believe the bulk of your depression comes from. Do you get what I'm saying?"

Not really.

"So basically, I'm a freak, but some of it is natural and some of it isn't actually my fault."

"None of it is actually your fault Bella, and I wish you'd stop seeing it that way. Think about it, out of all the incidents that led to put you in this state, how many decisions did you actually make? Did you choose to almost be raped? Or to have a van try to smash your face in? Or for a vampire to want you for a snack, sadistic or otherwise? No, you didn't, so stop acting like you've committed some sort of crime."

"Well you're certainly singing a different tune now than you were a few years ago. Then I believe you thought of me as a threat that needed to be eliminated."

"My opinions have obviously changed. There's no law against that."

"But why did they change Rosalie? I get that there's a certain amount of twisted guilt or gratitude you feel in regards to me because I kept my mouth shut, but that wouldn't merit the level of compassion you seem to be showing me now. I'd be willing to bet money that back in Forks, you would have decided this was my entire fault."

"You would have lost that bet. I would have blamed the same person I blame now, my idiot brother. But just so we're completely clear, let me explain a few things to you. I never blamed you for falling in love with my brother, we're designed so that you want us, even when all of your senses are sending you hurtling in the opposite direction. I blamed my brother for allowing you into this life in any capacity. I saw you as a risk that wasn't worth the rewards you may have presented. Since that time I've reordered my opinions about you, due largely to events that I'm quite sure you would rather not speak on at the moment. That being said, when you're ready to talk about it, I will be happy to answer any and all questions you have about the way I feel towards you."

I considered challenging her for a moment, considered demanding she explain what she was talking about. It all seemed rather convenient, if there was a question I asked that she didn't want to answer, she could just tell me I wasn't ready to hear it. However, despite all the anger and annoyance I was feeling at that moment, I somehow knew that she wasn't putting me off, she wasn't lying to me, she was trying to protect me.

"It's almost noon," Rosalie said, "I'm satisfied with the progress we've made today in hashing out some of your issues. You slept pretty late, so if it's alright with you I have one more activity for you and then we'll call it a day."

"Activity?"

Rose grinned, "Yeah, that alternative therapy method I mentioned earlier. Come with me."

She led me to the other side of the house and into the garage. In a similar fashion to the Forks house the Cullens did not actually park their vehicles in the garage under the house, instead they had remodeled one of the buildings on the property to serve as a garage and work space for Rosalie. The garage under the main house was used as a storage space and triage center for Esme's charitable donations.

Or at least it had been until recently.

When rose and I entered I found that the space had been transformed into something that resembled a boxing training center from one of the movies Charlie used to watch, minus the rind. There were some free weights, a punching bag, and one of those little upside down balloon things. There was also an assortment of boxing gloves in various colors and tape that I assumed was for my hands.

"What the hell is this for?" I asked.

"This," Rose said, "Is a room devoted entirely to helping you work out your frustrations. Normally I wouldn't condone violence of any kind, but I think you need a physical outlet, and since you'd hurt yourself more than any of us if you decided to let off some steam, this is the best place for you to do it. Take out your aggression and anger towards every person who ever made you hurt."

I looked at the room and smirked.

Then I went for it.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I know I know, I suck at updating, all I can say is that real life gets in the way. For those of you who are still with this story, I appreciate your patience immensely. **

Over the course of the next few weeks I fell back into my old routine. Initially I was walking around on eggshells in a constant state of readiness incase I should see Edward roaming the halls of the Cullen home, but of course I should have known that I never would. Fearful that I had driven him away from his rightful place with his family I tried to casually bring it up with Rose in one of our sessions, although I'm pretty sure she saw straight through me.

"The idiot is still hear Bella, he's just not living in the house."

"Are you telling me he's living in the woods or something?"

Rose laughed, "No, nothing quite so barbaric, although that's not to say that I don't think he deserves it. When we bought this property there were actually several smaller houses scattered around that Esme has been fixing up. Edward has taken up residence in one of those. He comes to the main house for a few hours every morning when you're sleeping, which is pretty much all I can stand anyway."

That was the most that we spoke of Edward. Instead we carefully danced around my relationship with the bronze haired boy and anything that related to the supernatural at all and we worked on my issues that were more grounded in reality. Unfortunately these issues had a tendency to lead back towards Edward, at which point Rose would pause stare into my eyes and declare the session over.

At first I had felt relief at her consideration, but lately I was starting to feel frustrated. I was spending more and more time in my boxing room attempting to work the frustration out, which worked initially, but soon I started to get even more frustrated.

I felt as if my problems were some sort of maze that I was running through, only every time I managed to make a right turn, the next turn yielded a dead end, and I was forced to try a different path. I knew therapy wasn't meant to be easy, I knew that I had a lot of work to do before I could be considered healed, and I also knew that Rose and I were making some serious progress in certain aspects, but damn did I want to just climb over all the dead ends and get the hell out of the maze.

_**SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA**_

_I was running through the woods barefoot and wearing a tattered ball gown. I was looking for something but I didn't know what it was, and to make matters worse, something was chasing me. The thing that was chasing me was yelling something to me, but it was in a language that I did not understand, although I knew that I had known it at one time._

_Suddenly I was falling through the air. I looked above me and saw a cliff that I must have run straight off. Below me there were churning waters, and I knew that when I hit them, I would drown. I began to scream and time seemed to speed up until I was inches from the water. I braced myself for impact._

"Bella, Bella! Wake up! You're having a nightmare, wake up! Please, please, just open your eyes."

I took in a gasping breath, but kept my eyes closed, finding comfort in the darkness while my mind continued to race. I hadn't had a nightmare in well over a month, and my body seemed to have forgotten how to deal with one. I took several deep breaths while I attempted to settle my mind.

As the remnants of the dream slipped away I became more aware of my surroundings, though my eyes were still closed. I was being held in someone's arms, arms that were too large to belong to any of the females in the house and too small to belong to Emmett, leaving only three people available to be the ones holding me. I didn't think it was Jasper because although we'd gotten closer since I'd been living at the house, he still tended to maintain his distance from me. I took a deep breath in through my nose, and my worst fears were confirmed, I was being held by Edward.

"Please Bella, open your eyes, please let me see that you're okay."

I shook my head back and forth violently. The motion caused me to realize that my head was buried in his neck, and I reared back suddenly at the closeness, keeping my eyes tightly shut. I tried to move out of his grasp entirely, but his arms locked around my waist forcing me to remain on his lap. Hot tears began to leak from my tightly closed eyelids.

"Please let me go" I pleaded, "please, just let me go."

His arms tightened around me in response to my plea, "why won't you open your eyes? Why will you not let me see that you're okay?"

I shook my head back and forth again, sobbing heavily now.

"Tell me Bella, please just tell me."

"It's because I'm not okay, and if I look at you, it will only get worse."

He released me with a strangled cry and I heard the door slam while I bounced on the bed. As I finally opened my eyes to get my bearings I heard the front door slam as well, and the tinkling sounds of splintered glass.

I rolled over and cried myself back to sleep.

_**SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA-SA**_

I woke up the next morning feeling drained, but as I got dressed and made myself breakfast, my fatigue gave way to an entirely different emotion. Anger.

I was pissed.

It was with my anger ruling my head that I stomped my way downstairs to my session with Rose. I found her waiting calmly in her usual chair. Once seated, I was unable to restrain myself.

"What the fuck happened last night Rosalie?"

Rose regarded me placidly, "I could ask you the same thing?"

"What the hell do you mean you could ask me the same thing? I had a nightmare, as us fragile little humans do from time to time, and when I woke up, I was being physically handled by the one person on earth who isn't supposed to be anywhere near me. So I'm going to ask you again, what the fuck happened last night?"

Rosalie sighed, "This all has to do with things you aren't ready to hear Bella –

I cut her off, "Really? I'm not ready to hear about why Edward was in my room? Are you fucking with me right now?"

"Bella the reason Edward was in your room last night isn't simple, in fact it's hugely complicated, and as your therapist I don't think you're ready to deal with why he was in there."

"Honestly Rose, I don't give a flying fuck what you think right now. You're going to tell me what this huge secret is, or so help me god, I am packing a bag and leaving right now."

She raised an eyebrow at my threat. "Do you honestly think you could get past me Bella?"

I shook my head, "Oh I'm well aware that I can't, and you're welcome to stop me from leaving. But know that if you won't tell me what's going on, and you won't let me go, then I'll stop talking, I'll stop eating, I'll do my best to stop sleeping until you decide to let me go or tell me what the hell is going on in my own life."

She tried to stare me down, but I stared right back at her, unblinking. There was one thing all the Cullens would happily agree on when it came to me. I was stubborn as hell, and once I made up my mind to do something, I would not be moved.

Rose must have seen the determination in my eyes because she looked away, and sighed.

"Well then, you'd best make yourself comfortable Bella, this is going to be a long discussion."

**A/N: So there you have it. Bella's finally going to get to hear what the hell has been going on with her. Thanks for reading, and if you feel so inclined to leave a review, I greatly appreciate them.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Oh hey there… please don't kill me, I'm working on the next chapter as soon as I post this one, and hopefully I'll have it up sometime next week. Enjoy!**

"How much did Edward tell you about the mating habits of vampires Bella?" Rose asked.

"Not much, he generally shied away from discussing any and all things supernatural, unless it was to tell me that we couldn't do something because it was too dangerous. Or to tell me that he wouldn't change me," I replied sinking into an overstuffed armchair.

"Idiot," Rosalie muttered, "I assumed that he hadn't given you too much information, but to hear you confirm it just pisses me off all over again. Tell me Bella, based off of your own observations of the couples in this house, what do you think about the way vampire mating works?"

I thought about the couples I lived with, I thought about the stories that they had told me about how they met, "You all love each other, unconditionally, but you all love each other in different ways. I mean, Carlisle and Esme are so private and almost out of a movie, Alice and Jasper balance each other, and you and Em… well let's just say it's a good thing I don't really blush too much anymore."

Rosalie chuckled, "I won't apologize for loving my man and letting the whole world see it. And your descriptions aren't far off, essentially everyone is exactly what their mate needs, but that's not what I was talking about. Have you talked to any of us about what our lives were like before we found our mate?"

"No, not really."

"Well, allow me to educate you. Popular culture makes vampires out to be tremendously sexual beings that primarily care about physical intimacy and blood, while all other things are secondary, and they're not too far off. Our first concern is always blood, then sex, and then anything else that may come up. And many unmated vampires tend to make a habit out of, well I guess you could call it 'dating' but I use that term very loosely. They meet someone who they're attracted to, hook up for a while and move on to someone else when they get bored. The coven up in Denali is a perfect example of this, they take human men all the time."

My stomach dropped, Edward had told me that I was nothing more than a distraction to him, but to hear Rosalie tell me that it was true was a crushing blow that I was not expecting. I could feel myself beginning to shut down, but I knew that I needed to listen to everything that Rose had to say.

"Our family has always been a bit different when it comes to that facet of vampire life. Carlisle's faith kept him from spending too much time with the opposite sex, Esme and Emmett both woke up with their mates right there, the circumstances surrounding my change caused me to shy away from men, and Alice woke up knowing that Jasper was out there waiting for her, and all she had to do was find him. Jasper is really the only one who conformed to the more traditional vampire way of life, in both diet and physical entanglement. And then there's Edward.

"Edward was turned at a time in history where any sort of physical contact between a man and woman who were not married was heavily frowned upon, but he was also turned at an age where his hormones were raging, because of this he came into his new life quite conflicted about his sexuality. However the thing that really tipped the balance with him was his mind reading ability. Because of the way he was raised, he found the sexual thoughts of others completely repugnant, and I've always thought that his ability is what kept him celibate, Lord knows he never wanted for female attention."

Thanks, Rose, because I really needed to be reminded of that fact.

"So now that I've covered how vampires act before they find their mates, I'm going to explain a bit about the mating process to you. When a vampire finds his or her mate, they immediately recognize each other, and any and all sexual urges for others disappear. However the bond that ties them together takes time to develop and it happens in stages. Carlisle told you about how he and Esme first met right?"

I nodded.

"Well, because she was so young when they met, and because Carlisle is so noble, he decided to leave her, despite the fact that he recognized his mate, however, it was always his intention to return for her later."

"But why not just stay with her?" I asked, "I mean, if he knew that she was going to be his mate, why would he leave her at all?"

"It has to do with those stages I mentioned earlier, he knew that if he stayed, the bond would only get stronger and stronger until eventually he had no choice but to turn her and run away with her, but he didn't want to take a sixteen year old girl away from her mother, so he decided to leave, but he kept tabs on her and return to her in a few years when she was grown. Communication in those days wasn't the best though, so by the time he heard that Esme was engaged, she was already married, and Carlisle's morals would not allow him to interfere, so he decided to go on with his life, knowing that he would never have the companionship he so desired. Their bond hadn't had enough time to form, and so it was weak enough for him to walk away. However, fate eventually made their paths cross again, and Carlisle couldn't resist when he found her dying.

"It was much the same for Emmett and me, when I saw him laying there, my entire world shifted and all I could think about was saving him. Although, once he was changed it still took a little while for our bond to form completely, longer than any of the others at least."

"While I find this all very fascinating Rose, I'm still not entirely sure what it has to do with me."

Rose shook her head, "I'm getting there Bella, the whole point of Carlisle and Esme's story was to illustrate how strong even the weakest of mating bonds can be. Carlisle was around Esme for maybe an hour the first time he saw her, and yet he still knew when he walked away that she was it for him. I often wonder how long he really could have stayed away from her despite his morals. From what Edward has told me of that time he was already fighting the urge to be with her on a daily basis. I don't think he would have lasted much longer.

"Not many vampires mate with humans, and those that do usually change them on the spot, so there hasn't been a lot of opportunity to study vampire human mating interactions. In the past we didn't have any way of knowing how the human would react to the mating bond, or for that matter to separation. Esme has told me that used to dream about the handsome Doctor Cullen who repaired her leg as a teenager, and that she would always wake up feeling sad after those dreams, but something else would catch her attention during the day, and she'd forget all about her dreams until the next one happened. "

"What do you mean by 'in the past'," I inquired, "has there been a sudden outbreak of vampire Lotharios leaving their human mates behind?"

"No," she answered, "really just the one case comes to mind." And then she fixed her golden eyes on me, "Although I think my brother may object to being called a Lothario."


	15. Chapter 15

I resisted the urge to laugh outright at Rosalie, not because of the thought of someone referring to Edward as a Lothario, but because the thought of me as Edward's mate was something that seemed so utterly outrageous to me.

"Nice try Rosalie, but I know I'm not his mate."

Rose shook her head at me, "Yes Bella, you are. If the fact that my brother is ridiculously crazy about you wasn't enough, then your mental and physical reactions to your separation would be."

"Edward isn't crazy about me Rosalie, he doesn't love me. I was just a distraction to him."

"Oh Bella," she said her voice full of pity, "that simply isn't true. You're his mate, he is designed at his most basic level to love and protect you. Unfortunately he's also stubborn and from a time when what the man said was what went, and he thought he knew what was best for you, so he left."

"No," I started to protest, but Rose cut me off.

"I know you're not going to believe what I'm telling you, I know that this is a lot for you to take in right now, so just let me explain what happened to you from a scientific point of view and then if you want, I'll let you scream yourself hoarse with denial, alright?"

I nodded slowly.

"Excellent. The first time my brother saw you, by all rights he should have torn out your throat and drained you. But something in him would not allow him to do that."

"Yeah his loyalty to Carlisle," I interrupted.

Rose glared at me, "Carlisle had nothing to do with it, did you know Emmett has had two singers?"

I shook my head.

"Well he has, and they both lasted about thirteen seconds before he killed them, and I don't think that anyone would ever say that Emmett isn't loyal, he may be the most loyal out of all of us, but we're not talking about Emmett right now, we're talking about Edward. The sheer fact that Edward was able to leave you with your heart beating was the first indicator that you would be something more to him, although at the time I'll admit that we all thought it was more about his practiced control. He ran away to Alaska, but he couldn't even make it a week there before something in him needed to be back in Forks, again, we all chose to see it as his stubbornness about letting a human force him away from his family. Then he tried to warn you to stay away from him, but you couldn't do that, and when push came to shove he couldn't stay away from you either and you started to date. But the thing is Bella, that dating to a human and dating to a vampire are two very different things.

"When a vampire meets his or her mate, the mate is almost always already a vampire. If not, they're turned almost immediately, present company excluded, from the instant a mated pair lays eyes on each other, their bond begins to form, and I don't just mean in a Hallmark card kind of way. Carlisle has done studies and found that the very DNA in those affected begins to change. Tell me, when you and Edward touched, did you ever feel some sort of physical sensation?"

I turned away from her piercing stare, unwilling to admit to the sensations I felt whenever Edward touched me.

"I thought so," she continued on without waiting for my answer, "that was the bond making itself known. The thing is, the longer a mated pair is together, the stronger it grows, and the harder it gets for the mates to be apart from each other for an extended period of time. What's more, the longer the relationship is left unconsummated, the stronger the urge to give in to those physical desires grows, I'm sure when you were with Edward you wanted to take your relationship to the next level physically, and I know that being the prude he is, Edward didn't let it go that far, but I can guarantee that he wanted to take your relationship there."

I scoffed, "I can guarantee that he didn't."

"You didn't live in the same house as him at the time, trust me, he wanted you, but we aren't debating that right now," She fixed me with a cold stare, "Of course one of the biggest issues with your mating bond was that you were human, so Edward was afraid of hurting you if you became intimate, but by denying the part of himself that needed that connection with you, he actually put you in even more danger from physical intimacy.

"At first he was able to deny himself because you had only just begun dating, and you were a virgin, and everything in him is genetically coded to shy away from harming you, not that he'll believe any of us when we tell him that. So the fact that you weren't ready at that point to have sex meant that he could curb his own desires. But later in your relationship the draw became stronger, and before he left you were trying to get more physical with him, which weakened his resolve. I truly believe that at the end of our time in Forks, the only thing holding him back was his ethical code that told him he needed to put a ring on your finger before going to bed with you."

I wanted to tell Rose that she was crazy. To scream out that I knew he didn't see me that way, but I knew that there would be no way to deter her from her current path.

"In any case, I'm getting a bit off track. It's up to you and my brother to deal with all of his intimacy issues, I'm only supposed to make you realize that you are actually his mate. How familiar are you with drug addiction Bella?"

"I only know the basics that they cover in health class. Why?"

"Are you familiar with withdrawal symptoms?"

"A bit."

"Good. Essentially when Edward left you, you went through a kind of withdrawal from him. You're brain and body were altered by his presence to emit a chemical that made you feel safe, secure, and happy. There is something of an equivalent for vampire brains, but our brains work differently from yours so it is not entirely the same. Because of the extended amount of time that you and Edward spent together, your body became used to that chemical and you began to rely on it to function. When Edward left, you were no longer able to produce that chemical, and your body suffered without it, much like a person who is addicted to anti-depressants."

I didn't know what to say to that. From a scientific perspective it all made sense. But there were still so many holes in her theory. The most glaringly obvious one being that Edward didn't love me.

"I'm thoroughly convinced at this point that while some of your nightmares are the product of PTSD from incidents like what happened in Phoenix, I'm fairly certain that some of them are the result of your mating bond trying to tell you something, specifically the ones when you're in the forest running. Tell me, what happens in those dreams?"

I took a deep breath. I didn't want to think about those dreams, but I knew I had to tell Rose about them, something I had been dreading since she first asked me about my nightmares.

"They usually start out with mw standing alone in the forest. It's quiet, but then I hear a sound or see a flicker of movement, and for some reason I have to go towards it, but as I try to find the source of the disturbance, it keeps moving farther and farther away. I want to stop looking for it, I want to turn back, but my legs won't stop running. I just keep chasing something, but I don't know what it is I'm looking for, only that it's incredibly important that I find it. I try to speed up, but whatever it is just keeps moving faster and faster. Eventually I wake up screaming."

Rosalie nods, "So you never actually see the thing that you're chasing?"

"No."

"And you don't know what it is?"

"No."

She studies me for a moment as if she doesn't believe my answer.

"Do you mean that you don't know what it is when you're asleep?"

"Yes."

"What about when you're awake? Do you think you know what you're chasing now?"

"Yes."

"What?"

I laugh without humor, "Isn't it obvious? It's Edward."

"Why do you think it's Edward?"

"Because, that's what happened when he left me. I chased him through the woods for hours, even though I knew that he was gone. I couldn't stop chasing him, until my legs gave out. Charlie had to call out a search party for me."

Rose nodded, considering this. "Bella, when was the last time you had this nightmare? I mean before you woke up with Edward in your room."

I thought about it. It had been quite some time since I'd had that particular dream. "I'm not sure, a while I guess."

"Was it before or after Edward came back?"

"Before, I think."

"That's what I thought," Rose said, "it goes along perfectly with my theories about your dreams."

"And what would theories be exactly?"

Rose just smirked, "I can't tell you that, because I want to try something, and if I tell you what I'm thinking, then it might affect the results. If I'm wrong, there's a very simple way to disprove my theory, and if I'm right, then it can all be proven just as simply."

I groaned, "And how long will I have to wait for this grand experiment to happen."

Rose chuckled, "Not long at all, in fact we can do it today if you want, but I need to ask you something first."

"What's that?"

"How do you feel about hypnosis?"

**A/N : Hey guys, sorry for the longish time between updates, but it's been crazy stressful around here for the last couple of months, but hopefully now that my thesis is in and I have my degree (in physics what!?) things will be a bit less busy and I'll be able to update more frequently. Thanks for reading as always, and if you are so inclined, reviews are always appreciated. **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Hey there guys, long time no see. I cannot apologize enough for how long I've left this story, so I'm not going to make excuses, and just say that sometimes real life gets in the way… and then sometimes that real life causes you to delete the file you were working on and forget where you were going with a plot… **

**When we left the story Rosalie was trying to prove to Bella that she and Edward were mates and Bella was about to undergo hypnotherapy based on a hunch from Rose. **

To say that I was skeptical of hypnotherapy would be an understatement. Of course my skepticism of this alternative therapy was nothing compared to my skepticism of Edward being my mate and what I really wanted more than anything at this point was to shut Rosalie down once and for all.

So I found myself getting changed into comfortable clothing and settling onto my bed when Rosalie knocked on the door.

"Are you decent in there Swan?"

"Yeah, come on in Rose."

Rose came into my room holding some kind of electronic device in her hand.

"What's that?"

"It's a digital recorder. I don't know how much you'll remember from this, but I will be asking you some questions while you're under," she hesitated for a moment before continuing, "To be perfectly honest Bella, I have perfect recall. This recording is for you not for me. At this point I think I can say that I know you well enough to know that if you don't remember something you say, you're going to need evidence to believe it."

I wanted to argue with her, but thought better of it. She was probably right, if something came out that I didn't like, I would fight her tooth and nail on it. I acquiesced and lay back onto the many fluffy pillows on the bed.

"Alright Bella, I want you to just lay back and relax," Rose began in a quiet soothing voice, "this is a safe place and you are comfortable here. I want you to just lay there with your eyes closed, and as I count backwards from ten, I want you to let go of your thoughts and let your subconscious take over. Ten… nine… eight…seven…

_**SASASASASASASASASASASASASASASASASASASA**_

"Six… seven… eight… nine… ten. Open your eyes now Bella." My eyelids fluttered and opened. I blinked slowly a few times as my eyes adjusted. I noticed that the light in the room was different.

"How long was I under for? What time is it?" I asked Rose.

"Not terribly long, about an hour."

I nodded, "You didn't do anything while you had me hypnotized right? I'm not going to act like a chicken every time I hear the word sandwich or anything right?" For the most part I was joking. I had come to trust Rosalie over our time together, but there was still a part of me that couldn't forget the way she had treated me in Forks.

Rosalie smirked, "No, nothing like that, although Alice did see that I was going to be trying this and asked me to have you be overcome with euphoria whenever Chanel is said, but I thought that you may not appreciate it."

I had to laugh at that, "So, did I say anything incredibly important, or did we just waste an hour of our lives?"

The smirk faded from Rosalie's face, "No in fact you were very enlightening. Do you want to talk about it now or have you had enough for today?"

"Let's get this over with, one of us isn't going to live forever." There was a part of me that wanted to put this off indefinitely, but a bigger part of me just wanted to get it over with.

"Alright, fair enough. Do you remember anything from the session?"

Immediately I opened my mouth to say no, but something stopped me. I thought about it for a moment and realized that while I didn't remember anything specific from the hypnotherapy, I felt differently than I did before. I couldn't pin point what happened at any given moment but I felt like I had been through the emotional ringer.

"Before we started, I was frustrated, now I'm exhausted, but I don't feel upset anymore, I think I feel … content?" It came out as a question, because I genuinely wasn't sure about the emotion I was feeling. It had been so long since I was anything that could even be considered close to happy, and while I knew I was still a long way from true happiness, a huge part of the festering wound in my chest seemed to be healed, or at the very least it was healing.

"I'm going to play you some clips from when I was hypnotizing you. There's no point in playing you the whole thing. The first ten minutes was letting you fully go under and asking you some basic questions to make sure you were answering honestly, and then some of it didn't really go anywhere, but I'll play you the highlights."

She played with the recorder for a moment and then I heard her voice coming from the small machine. She was calm and demanding in her questions, her voice stark and free of any emotion.

"Do you still have feelings for Edward?"

"Yes."

"How do you feel about him?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I feel different things for him."

"I see, do you have negative emotions towards him?"

"Yes."

"What emotions are those?"

"Anger, annoyance, sadness."

Rose paused the recording.

"Let's talk about those emotions for a second. Can you explain to me why you feel that way?"

"I think they're all rather obvious. I'm pissed at him for making promises that he couldn't keep, and for leading me on and then leaving me. I'm annoyed that just when I was starting to do better he came back into my life. And I'm still just overwhelmingly sad about the fact that he doesn't love me and that I'm going to live my life out alone." I knew that there was more to it than that, but I was too tired to try and sift through it all right now.

I think that Rosalie knew I was keeping some things back, but she didn't push me, instead she just pushed play on the recorder.

"What about positive emotions? Do you have any positive emotions towards Edward?"

"Yes."

"More than one?"

"Yes."

"What is the most prevalent one?"

"Love."

"Have you ever stopped loving him?"

"No."

"Do you think you will ever stop loving him?"

"No."

"Do you want to stop loving him?"

"No."

"Why not? You said you believe that he doesn't love you, so why wouldn't you want to stop loving him?"

"I'm his."

"What do you mean you're his."

"I am his. We belong together and to each other. I am his, and he is mine."

Rose stopped the recorder and handed me a tissue, because apparently at some point I had started crying. She didn't say anything just watched me cry. I don't think that she stared at me for more than 10 seconds but it could have been hours. It didn't really matter anyway, because from the door to my room, I heard the voice that I had learned to love and to hate. To desire above any other sound and wanted to banish from my mind forever.

"Yes," I turned and my eyes immediately met his topaz ones, "Yes I am."

Well fuck.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it, and hopefully I'll be able to update again soon, but I've learned not to make any promises. See you next time, hopefully with a longer update!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing, I tend to sit down to write this and get distracted or think it's not good enough given the wait I put people through, which leads me to delete what I've written and try to start over, which starts the cycle all over again. So sorry for the wait, it is definitely my intention to finish this story, I just don't have any sort of time frame for that. Enjoy**

**When we last left off, Bella heard a recording of herself admitting that Edward was hers, and acknowledging that she belongs to Edward… who just happened to be right behind her.**

My immediate reaction was to turn and run. This of course failed as Edward was blocking my only exit, and I think I made it roughly 3 inches before his marble arms wrapped around me holding me in place.

"Let me go," I whispered, pleading with him.

"No." His reply was firm, "I'm never letting you go again."

I tried to convince myself to struggle against his grip, despite the fact that I knew it was utterly useless, but if anything my body sagged into his, causing his restraining hold to feel more like an embrace than the living straight jacket it actually was. It was a strange sensation, to have my mind screaming to my arms to shove him away while instead my arms started to wind their way around his waist. I was not in control of myself, and that scared me, so I did the only thing I could. I closed my eyes tight and tried to pretend this wasn't happening to me.

"No Bella," I had forgotten Rose was in the room until she spoke, "no pretending anymore, you wanted to know everything and you're not a child so you need to stop acting like one."

"I'm not acting like a child." My eyes were still shut tightly, but my arms were still locked around Edward, my face starting to press against his chest, my nose taking in his scent.

"Well you certainly aren't acting like an adult either, it's time to woman up Swan."

I shook my head, but given my position and my level of exhaustion, the motion was weak, and quickly turned into my nuzzling into Edward. I heard a strange rumbling noise come from his chest, but rather than frightening me, it made me relax against him, soothing me despite its animalistic tenor.

"Rose, thank you for all that you've done, but perhaps you should step out for a while, I would like to speak to Bella alone." His voice was soft and calm, but there was an undercurrent there, something that said he was not to be disobeyed in this.

"Give me a moment with her first Edward, and then I'll go."

"Did you not just hear me say I won't let her go?"

"You can wait right outside that door Edward, I need to talk to her without your presence interfering with her brain chemistry."

He sighed and his hands moved to dislodge my arms from around them. Against my will I whimpered as my chest tightened. He leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"Shh Love, I know this hurts right now, but I'll be just outside the door, and I'll be holding you again very shortly." He stroked my hair, gently pulling my head off his chest, whispering soothing nonsense words the entire time. When he had completely detached himself from me he spoke. "Rosalie, you have three minutes from the time I shut that door, and not a second more, that's about all I'll be able to stand after holding her like that. Bella, do not open your eyes or speak until Rosalie tells you to, if you do it before then, I will not be able to leave. Nod if you understand me."

I hadn't even realized my eyes were still shut, my senses being so overwhelmed with him, that anything else I may have seen was blocked out anyway. I nodded once quickly, trying not to make a sound. The instant he stopped touching me it felt like someone was driving icicles into my heart, but somehow I instinctively knew that if I let on how much I was hurting he would not leave.

Despite my lack of vision and the speed and silence of his movements, I could physically feel each step he took away from me, making it difficult to breathe and causing my body to get colder with each moment. It felt like a millennia had passed before I heard Rosalie frantically telling me to open my eyes.

"Don't speak Bella, we don't have a lot of time and I need to tell you some important things," she was speaking very quickly, but not so quickly I couldn't understand her, "I'm sorry for this, I know that this isn't what you wanted, and I know that you think this is too soon, but Edward's restraint was already wearing thin before he heard you claim him, and that pushed him over the edge. You aren't ready for this, but you need to get ready in a hurry, because we can't put this off anymore. I'm not going to tell you what's about to happen because I'm not entirely sure myself, but I need you to try and believe that Edward is your mate, that he will never intentionally hurt you. At the very least, you need to not openly contradict that idea right now. Edward is a kind and gentle man, but he is also a vampire that has been separated from his mate for years, and just heard her claim him. The logical part of his mind knows that it was your subconscious, but his instincts will not be able to make that distinction."

A thousand questions bubbled up in my throat. Why had she played the recording when he was so close? Why would it matter if I said I thought I wasn't his mate? What did she think would happen if I did? All of these questions died on my lips as the door to the room flew open and I was swept up in Edward's arms again. Instantly I felt my entire body relax into his hold. He lifted me up and carried me over to the bed, where he wrapped the two of us up in the blankets, pressing my closer into his body.

"I'm sorry Rosalie, I couldn't go any longer, I need you to leave now, or I don't know what I'll do."

Rose looked as if she might try and protest, but then she seemed to study his face for a moment, and she nodded.

"I'm going to call the others back, we won't be in the house, but we won't be out of hearing range either, if you need us call." The last part was clearly for my benefit, so I nodded to her, while Edward let out a soft growl, a sound that was clearly supposed to be threatening, but had the reverse effect on my yet again, and I found myself soothed, leaning further into the vibration of Edward's chest. Before I could so much as tell her goodbye, Rosalie was gone, the door swinging shut behind her, leaving me to wonder what would happen next.

I didn't have to wonder for long though, as Edward leaned back against the headboard and rearranged my body on top of his. He moved me so that I was straddling his thighs, pulling me down until my head was tucked under his chin.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I'm so so sorry," he said as he began to stroke my hair with one hand while the other wrapped around my waist, "I need you close right now, I can't control it. I know you that you don't want anything to do with me, I know you want to be as far away from me as possible, but I need to feel that you're here with me right now." His body was shaking with barely controlled emotion and instinctively my hand went up to curl into his hair while my other wrapped around his neck.

"It's okay," I whispered, "I feel it too, I need to feel you too."

We were silent after that, just laying there. After a while I could feel the icicles in my heart from when he had left the room earlier begin to melt, and my body began to feel warmer despite his icy temperature. I felt all of my muscles relax as I melted into him. His hand moved from stroking my hair to stroking my back, and I felt his iron grip on my midsection loosen. The logical side of my brain yelled at me to pull away now that I had the chance, but everything else in me screamed not to, but instead to snuggle closer. It was again as if I had completely lost control of my body as I nuzzled Edward's neck my eyes drifting closed of their own accord. He let out the same purring rumble as he had earlier.

"Sleep Bella, your human body was not made to take this, and you need rest. I won't be able to let you go for quite some time, so sleep and we will talk when you're rested."

I wanted to protest, to demand answers, but once again my body betrayed me as I drifted off to sleep.

**A/N: So yeah… that was definitely not what I was going to write when I sat down at my computer. There was going to be a long, civil conversation, with absolutely no touching whatsoever. Before I get reviews telling me that Bella has given in too easily, I want to say that this is not Bella giving in, this is Bella reacting to a biological compulsion that neither she nor Edward has any control over, there will be more on that next time, which hopefully will be sooner rather than later. We're getting to the meat of the story now, which is more fun for me to write, so that bodes well for more frequent updates. **

**Leave a review if you are so inclined, and thanks for reading. **


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